jeremy freese's weblog

(part 1 here, if you are new to JFW or need a refresher)

To: dahliahawkins67@[domain deleted]
From: "Michael Sullivan" 
Subject: RE:Trial Period KTY! 
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 14:52:07 -0400 

Hi,

Our membership fee exists because it helps us advertise, research 
companies that do surveys and bring to you the best paying of them! We 
update these companies every two months and maintain our website! The 
membership fee also includes 24 hours excellent customer support from 
specially trained consultants that will answer all your questions and help you 
solve any problems that you encounter before, during, and after you 
finish your surveys! You understand that all these services cost us a lot 
of money and efforts!

Unfortunately, it is not possible for us to give you a trial period, 
because in order to explore our database, which contains valuable 
information and use our services you have to pay in advance!

Best regards!!!

Mike Turner

I'm not sure why this guy's name has changed from "Mike Sullivan" in his first e-mail and in his address to "Mike Turner"; I'm presuming that he's in the middle of some kind of identity crisis. Or he could have married, I suppose. Anyway, here's Dahlia's response:

Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 17:21:32 -0700 (PDT) 
From: "Dahlia Hawkins" 
Subject: RE:Trial Period KTY! 
To: msullivan@uv-online.net

honey, you are playing hard-to-get with me, aren't you ;)  i'm NOT 
asking for a trial period.  i understand why your membership fee exists. 
if anything, with all the opportunities for MONEY you provide, i'm 
surprised it's not higher!!!  i'm just saying that back at the winkydog 
restaurant we could use our first month's earnings to pay the start-up 
expenses of a new job.  i would be willing to pay you $40 instead of 
$30 if you could take the money out of my first months earnings rather 
than having to pay you before i start work.  starting out here, money 
is tight, which is the whole reason that i want to start making all kinds 
of beautiful MONEY for and with you.

if that's not going to work, can i just give you my idiot half-brothers credit 
card information instead of mine.  he owes me some money and doesn't 
even look at his statements, so we could charge whatever we wanted to 
it and get away with it.

smooch!  yours, dahlia

Stay tuned to see if we hear from him again.

I got my comment card today for Two Men and a Truck, the company that helped me with my recent move. I chose them because I saw their truck moving someone else and liked the name. Dhani and Blaine, the two men who showed up with a giant truck, seemed confused about the plan to move things into their truck and from there into another motor vehicle (my RV), until I explained that the RV was currently sitting in a Long John Silver's lot with its engine blown. In the end, we had not just a good move but a hearty meal of Fish'n'More, and rousingly rang the Captain's Bell (their LJS's own version of a comment card: "if we did well, ring the bell") upon leaving.

I gave them top marks on the comment card. For "Would you refer Two Men and a Truck to others?" I filled in yes and added "on my weblog!" For how did you learn about us? I was pleased to see that they did indeed have a response category for Saw Trucks. But for "What is the primary reason you selected Two Men and a Truck?" they didn't have an appropriate box so I had to select "Other (specify)" and write in, "cute name! (albeit arguably sexist and suggestive of systematic and probably legally actionable gender discrimination)"

I bought a nice globe last night for the RV from the Rubin's scratch and dent store. I've been wanting a globe at least since Shelly B and I spent a whole meal at the Hubbard Avenue Diner playing with the globe they have there and especially after recently reading a biography of Mercator. The globe (a clearance model with no imperfections) was $120 and marked down to $90. I would have paid this price for it, but I was with a friend who also decided that she wanted a globe for her office and wondered if they would give us both the globes they had in stock for the price of 1. I never have the gumption to ask a store manager to cut a deal like that. She did, and he immediately went for it, revealing once again that I am someone destined to pay too much for everything except through the benign interventions of others.

A graduate student and I are having a problem with flaky participation from a person that we need to press our project ahead (NO ONE affiliated with the UW sociology department). When the student sent me a message saying that this person had failed yet again to show up for something we had arranged, I confess that it was perhaps not the most professorial of me to reply "I think I now would like to kick [person's] ass." The reply from the student, however, provides a good indication of the aura of intimidation that I exude around here:

No offense, but I have a hard time picturing you kicking anyone's ass.
Although [person] wouldn't be much of a challenge, especially with his broken
leg. You probably could take him. I'm just having a hard time picturing
it. Although it would be amusing.

Message in my inbox last night:

Dear Student,

Are you interested in working part-time during the academic year? Would
you like to work during your free time? Would you like to get paid
between $5 and $100 for completing simple 10 to 25 minute surveys every
day? Would you like to earn between $50 and $200 for participating in 30
minutes to 2 hours on-line forum discussions?

If your answer to all these questions is YES, then I would be happy to
hear from you soon!

We offer you THE PERFECT JOB! Work from the comfort of your own
computer, determine your working time, express your opinion freely about
different kinds of products and services, and be paid well!

To start, you just need to have the willingness to share your honest
opinion, earn some additional cash, and have a computer with Internet
Access!

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Michael Sullivan

Since I don't need this job (yet), I thought I would pass it along to Dahlia, who is always looking for cash. Sure enough:

michael -- ooh, this sounds exciting.  i'm definitely interested in doing 
surveys for money.  i love surveys.  and i love MONEY.  let me 
know what I need to do to start earning MONEY. dahlia.

Today in her inbox:

Hi,

Thank you very much for your interest. 
Please go to our web page to get more info!

http://www.ktyrecruitment.com

Looking forward to doing business with you!

Michael Sullivan
http://www.ktyrecruitment.com

But, if you click on the website, you can see there is a catch to having all the cash start rolling in. Dahlia isn't about to pay up front, so she replies:

hi, michael.  the website says i need to pay you $30 before i 
can start making money doing surveys.  when i worked at the 
winkydog restaurant back in my hometown, i had to buy my own 
uniform and winkydog hat, but it just came out of my pay rather 
than me having to do it in advance.  could we have the same kind 
of arrangment with your company, where you'd just get the first $30 
out of the surveys i do?

i really think i'd be a great survey-doer and sure could use the 
money.  i appreciate your help.

love, dahlia

Dahlia says she'll let us all know if her new pal/prospective employer Michael responds.

A reader from Creepytown, CT has returned from a trip home with a puzzle she wants me to pose to readers:

my sister delivered a baby to the morgue in the basement of the hospital
where she works. she and the nurse she was training were escorted by a
security guard. after they dropped off the baby, the guard told them that
they looked like it had been a rough day and that he could show them
something to cheer them up. deciding that there was safety in numbers,
they agreed to go with the guard. he led them to a door labeled "the rock
room." through the door was what appeared to be the air conditioning
room, but on the other wall was another door labeled the same as the
first, and it was through that second door that they went. inside the
room was a giant rock, clyindrical in shape, and as large as my
efficiency. the guard claimed that the hospital was built around the
rock becuase it could not be moved. this seemed suspicious to my
sister since it is possible to blast through mountains, etc.

my sister thinks that the rock is necessary for MRIs. perhaps they need
a giant rock for grounding or something to do with magnetism. i just
don't know. what do your readers think? does every hospital have a rock
room?

Any ideas? E-mail me with your entries.

BTW: Speaking of rocks and my mother, there's this little detective game I play during my trips back home to the farm where I notice that something is out of place and must be where it is because it serves some new and ingenious problem-solving function, and then I have to set about figuring out what it is. For example, once when I came home there was this fist-sized rock sitting in the bathroom, on the edge of the bathtub. Since we wouldn't just have a rock in our bathroom for no reason, the game was on. The answer turned out to be that the bathtub drain had broken so that the little switch would cause the drain to pop up but not to go back down, and the rock was brought in so that you would put the rock on top of the drain when you were taking a bath (no showers on the farm) to keep the drain closed until you were done.

Update, 2:55: Another reader from here in Madison e-mails in:

speaking of connecticut, i just gave a girl a ride home from the post
office because she was struggling to bungee cord a giant box to the back
of her bike and was clearly going to be unsuccessful. we loaded her
bike and the box into my trunk and i drove her home. idle chit-chat
ensued and i asked where she was from (the box had stuff in it that
she had forgoten to mave back to madison). she said, "minnesota. you
are from connecticut." i was momentarily horrified that i had somehow
offered a ride to someone who was coincidentally also my stalker. then
i remembered i had old CT plates in my trunk.

(weblog author, right, with dear mother on recent trip)

I just got off the phone with my mother. I will be the first to admit, I should not have gleefully shouted "Ooh, watch out for those kidney thieves!" when she said she was going out grocery shopping. Anyway, after some discussion, we have agreed to disagree about whether the events described in the following message she had earlier forwarded to me actually happened (indeed, is happening right now in the United States) or are one of those so-called "urban "legends"".

-----Original Message-----
From: Ruth Freese
Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2003 10:49 AM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Warning !!! Scary thing happening. Must read and pass it along
> 
>This is a true story, it has been confirmed, the Medical Centre, in 
>Sydney, phone number at the end of this story is real. 
>This makes you never want to drink or pick up someone at a night out 
>again........ 
> 
>This guy went out on a Saturday night a few weeks ago to a party. 
>He was having a good time and had a couple of beers and some 
>girl seemed to like him & invited him to go to another party. 
>He quickly agreed & decided to go along with her. 
>She took him to a party in some apartment and they continued to 
>drink,& even got involved with some drug (unknown). 
> 
>The next thing he knew, he woke up completely naked in a 
>bathtub filled with ice. He was still feeling the effects of the drugs, 
>but looked around to see he was alone. He looked down at his chest, 
>which had "CALL 000 or YOU'LL DIE written on it with lipstick. 
> 
>He saw a phone was on a stand next to the bathtub so he picked 
>it up & dialled. He explained to the EMS operator what the situation 
>was & that he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he 
>was really calling. 
> 
>She advised him to get out of the tub. He did, and he appeared 
>normal, so she told him to check his back. He did, he found two 
>9 inch slits on his lower back. She told him to get back into the 
>tub immediately, and they sent a rescue team over. 
> 
>Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had 
>happened. His kidneys were stolen. They were worth $10,000 each 
>on the black market. 
>Several guesses are in order: The second party was a sham, the 
>people involved had to be at least medical students & it was 
>not just recreational drugs he was given. 
> 
>Regardless, he is currently in the hospital on a life support, 
>awaiting a spare kidney. The university of Sydney in conjunction 
>with the Royal Prince Alfred hospital is conducting tissue research 
>to match the victim with a donor. 
> 
>I wish to warn you about a new crime ring that is targeting business 
>travellers. This ring is well organized and well funded, has very skilled 
>personnel & is currently operating in most major cities around the world 
>and recently very active in Sydney. 
> 
>The crime begins when a business traveller goes to a lounge for 
>a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they 
>sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveller 
>remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bathtub, their body 
>submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note 
>taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 000. A phone 
>is on the small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business 
>traveller calls 000 who have been quite familiar with this crime. 
> 
>The business traveller is instructed by the 000 operator to very slowly 
>and carefully reach behind them and feel there is a tube protruding 
>from the back. The business traveller finds the tube and answers "YES". 
>The 000 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics 
> to help. 
> 
>The operator knows that both of the traveller's kidneys had been harvested. 
>This is not a scam or out of science fiction novel. It is real. It is 
>documented and confirmable. If you travel or someone close to you travels 
>please be careful. Sadly, this is very true. My friend's husband is a Sydney 
>EMT and they have received alerts regarding this crime ring. It is to be 
>taken very seriously. The daughter of a friend of a fire-fighter had this happen 
>to her. Skilled doctors are performing these crimes! which, by the way have 
>been highly noted in the Brisbane area). Additionally, the military has received 
>alerts regarding this. 
> 
>I REALLY WANT AS MANY PEOPLE TO SEE THIS AS POSSIBLE , 
>SO PLEASE BOUNCE THIS TO WHOEVER YOU CAN. 
> 
>Michele Shafer 
>DML/Lab Administration, 
>Medical Manager Research & Development, 
>99 Missenden RD, 
>Camperdown, 
>Sydney 2000 
>Tel:(02)95156111; 
>Fax: (02) 94621505 
> 
>PLEASE forward this to everyone you know !

I would try calling the phone number listed, but I don't know how to make international calls on my office phone and am not sure how I could present it if the university-telephone-auditors come crashing through my door.

From CNN.com:

MONTGOMERY, Alabama (CNN) -- Only one in five Americans approve of the federal court order under which workers removed the Ten Commandments monument from the rotunda of Alabama's state judicial building Wednesday, according to a new poll.

Ahoy! This is the first blog post written from my new abode. I am splicing a telephone connection into the RV from a house near the Long John Silver's south of town. Mmm mmm, can't get enough of that batter dipped fish.

Anyway, a regular reader from Kent, OH writes in to say: "one thing that i suspect goes under-noticed or under-appreciated are the titles that you come up with for your weblogs. how do you come up with the titles?..."

We appreciate the kind comment, but we here at JFW cannot take credit for our titles. Instead, they are generated automagically! All of the blog posts you read are first imported as ASCII data files into Stata 8.0, and then the add-on blogposttitle.ado command is run (with the "hip" and "pithy" options), which uses a complex gematriz-based algorithm and a library of thousands of candidate titles in order to figure out which one is just right given the text of the post and the hip demographic that is at the center of JFW's marketing strategy. Further details on the program can be found in the next issue of the Stata Journal.

I'm continuing moving today. As promised, I have thrown a lot away. Even so, I don't know how everything that remains is going to fit in the RV. I also don't know where I'm going to park the RV once I've worn out my welcome in the parking lot of the Long John Silver's south of Madison. Still, I feel like something of a rogue adventurer, akin to RV-driving surgeon Gonzo Gates (Gregory Harrison) on the old TV show Trapper John, MD.

I have been asked to post the following:

-----Original Message-----
From: Erin Maher
Sent: Tuesday, August 26, 2003 11:11 PM
To: Jeremy Freese
Subject: (no subject)

will you put out a notice on your blog to kick the ass of the woman on
my (yes, MY) soccer team that yelled at me and made me cry tonight.

thanks, mucho!

erin

The staff at JFW would much appreciate if some reader in the Washington (state) area could take care of this for us.

A new reader from Ithaca, NY responded to my post about Hardee's by noting that her own favorite fast food restaurant, Taco Bell, "has been advertising the past year that it now uses fresh ingredients. Specifically, the chicken, beans and tortillas are supposedly fresh." So, you are left not only wondering what kind of rancidity you had been eating at Taco Bell prior to the past year, but also you have to wonder what you are getting when you opt for anything outside the chicken-bean-and-tortilla triangle.

I continue to be amazed at how quickly free books left in the hallway are snatched up here. Back when I had an office in the bowels of the building, where hardly anyone ever seemed to walk by, the books would still all disappear, eventually. I remember it took a teaching guide something like three weeks to go. Now that my office is located closer to the epicenter of sociological bustle, they all go and fast. Yesterday mid-morning I put out twelve books. By 4pm:



The remaining book was The Tangled Field, by Nathaniel Comfort, about the early geneticist Barbara McClintock. I wondered if that one would sit a bit out of people perhaps being less willing to take the last free book since they know it has been passed over by others. Nope, this morning when I got in it had also been taken.

So on my still-not-blogged-about family trip this weekend, we ended up stopping at a gas station somewhere in northern Missouri and deciding to have lunch. My sister Peg wanted to go to Hardee's because apparently they have been running a marketing campaign advertising new thick Black Angus hamburgers (not watching TV shelters keeps me ignorant of such commercial blitzes). Anyway, given that I wasn't particularly hungry anyway and that the other option on this particular corner was McDonald's, I went along.

Hardee's appears to be trying some analogue of the a trick play a football team tries when they are down three touchdowns and can't otherwise move the football forward. Hardee's is betting everything on the Black Angus flea-flicker play. The placemat had this spiel about how instead of trying to offer many different things they have decided to focus on doing burgers well. So the only non BA "entree" on their menu is a chicken sandwich. No fish sandwich, no salads.* So, instead of diversification in terms of different kinds of food you can get, they have diversified in terms of the size and bun of the BA burger you can get: for sizes, 1/3 pound, 1/2 pound, and 2/3 pound.** That's right, without going to the kid's menu, the old large-sized hamburger--the quarter-pounder--is no longer large enough for the least ravenous Hardee's customer.

The most interesting part of all of this was that they had these big slogans on their placemat and on the windows basically apologizing for the Old Hardee's. One that I scribbled down was "THICKBURGERS. It's how the last place you'd ever go for a burger will become the first." Another window had "NO MORE CHEAP BURGERS" in large letters and explained that their burgers henceforth were necessarily more expensive since they were no longer using "lower quality meat."

One, this all conjured up an image of Hardee's executives getting the living bejeezus scared out of them by some marketing survey results that would lead to this kind of change. Two, I wonder how this campaign makes people who had been longtime regular customers of Hardee's feel. They are basically saying that the place that they had been regularly patronizing was actually the last place that any discerning person would have wanted to go for a burger, and that all the while they had been stuffing themselves with drastically suboptimal meat. Three, do ad campaigns along the lines of "We both know that we used to suck, but now we've changed!" really work? Even my own family, whose rush to Hardee's apparently places us at the forefront of fast-food forgiveness, concluded that they didn't really think there was much difference between the Hardee's Black Angus burger and other fast-food burgers except for the size of the patty (which didn't surprise me, given that it's not obvious to me how the color of a cow would affect the quality of its meat).

* Since I don't meat beyond seafood, the only thing on the menu for me was desserts, drinks, and fries. I dithered between a cinnamon roll and curly fries, made plain to my mom I was not going to ingest both as a meal, and then went with the fries.

** The soda sizes were also massive, with the small seeming to be about 20 ounces, the medium about 30 ounces, and the large was the size of a small pail. It would be an interesting epidemiological study to look at towns whose only fast-food restaurant was a Hardee's and see if there was an increase in teenage morbid obesity rates as a result of the new reforms of Hardee's.

Although I'd like to be blogging about my super-secret trip this weekend, I'm too busy seething about Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything. A friend recommended that I check the book out because it contains passages about my hometown, Manson, Iowa, which enters into his book because it is the site of the largest meteor impact in the United States.

I've never read any of Bryson's travel books. I suspect that they are probably quite entertaining, since he apparently does not have much concern for actually getting the matters of fact that he reports in his books correct. Or at least when it comes to my hometown. But whenever someone is ridiculously sloppy with the part of their work that you happen to know something about, it's hard not to be skeptical that you've discovered something about their modus operandi that probably applies equally well to all the other parts where you don't have firsthand knowledge. Here is a short span of text from his brief discussion of Manson, with annotations below:

"At the library in Manson they are delighted to show you a collection of newspaper articles and a box of core samples from a 1991-92 drilling program--indeed, they positively bustle to produce them--but you have to ask to see them. Nothing permanent is on display, and nowhere in the town is there any historical marker.[1]

"To most people in Manson the biggest thing ever to happen was a tornado that rolled up Main Street in 1979, tearing apart the business district. One of the advantages of all that surrounding flatness is that you can see the danger from a long way off. Virtually the whole town turned out at one end of Main Street and watched for half an hour as the tornado came toward them, hoping it would veer off, then prudently scampered when it did not.[2] Four of them, alas, didn't move quite fast enough and were killed.[3] Every June now Manson has a weeklong event[4] called Crater Days, which was dreamed up as a way of helping people forget that unhappy anniversary.[5] It doesn't really have anything to do with the crater....

"Very occasionally we get people coming in and asking where they should go to see the crater and we have to tell them that thtere is nothing to see," says Anna Schlapkohl, the town's friendly librarian.[6]

[1] - NOT TRUE, there has been a marker in Manson regarding the crater for several years, and since before Bryson did this book. I have a digital photo of the marker somewhere--it's right by the replica crater for which I have a photo on my webpage.

[2] - NOT TRUE. Maybe there were some people who gathered at the end of main street, but it was certainly not anything like most (much less "virtually all") of the town by any account of the tornado I have ever heard. The end of Main Street in Manson is actually more than a half mile south of the business district, however, so no one who had been standing there to watch the tornado would have had to scamper out of the way. Say that instead the end of Main Street was defined as where on Main Street the business district ended. Still, the tornado actually came across Main Street at such an angle that the businesses at the end of Main Street were not destroyed. You could have stood at the end and watched the tornado and--as long as you dodged the debris--would have been safe.

[3] - NOT TRUE. First, the tornado killed three people. I just verified my own memory here with a quick check of the web. Second, the passage makes it sound like they were all killed as they attempted to flee to safety--my recollection (I could be wrong about this) is that they all died in their homes. I certainly don't remember any account of them being swooped up as they tried to flee from watching the storm at the end of main street.

[4] - NOT TRUE. The event has never been "weeklong." It's been four days, but is usually three or even two.

[5] - NOT TRUE. The event was not dreamed up to "forget that unhappy anniversary" The event is held on the last weekend in June, at the anniversary of the tornado. However, it was first called Appreciation Days in celebration of those who helped get the town back on its feet (to the extent that it did) after the tornado struck. But you can't do that forever. So then it started to be called things like "Town and Country Days", etc.. "Greater Crater Days" has been its name for the last few years, as far as I can tell mostly from its standing as Manson's claim to fame.

[6] - True, perhaps--certainly our town librarian is friendly--but her name is Ann, not Anna.

I won't be writing any weblog entries tomorrow, as I'm going on a super-secret mission. I can't say where I'm going. I can say that it's some place that my parents have been. Not only that, but my mom claims that once when my parents were driving there, they got lost and my father refused to stop for directions and made comments instead to the effect that he was hoping God would put them back on the right path on their journey. More later.

(rob, middle, in Atlanta with his life partner puppy sprinkles and an anonymous member of rob's legion of devoted fans)

...i just checked a little hypothesis I had using the gematriz.ado program that I once wrote for Stata. A gematriz transformation is commonly used by professional numerologists, and involves taking a string of letters and transforming them such that A=1, B=2, C=3, and so on, and then summing up the results. Generally, profound insights into human beings and the fates of whole can be found using this method, hence its common application in sociology. Today the computer revealed to me that:

robert clark = 123

and

wolverine = 123

(Regarding the last post, I've learned by this time just to let Dahlia do her little rants and not respond.)

But speaking of family, one of the highlights of my trip to Atlanta was seeing my much older sister Faye while I was in Atlanta:



On the trip, I got my first real taste of authentic Southern horticulture. The kudzu has gotten a little out of control in my sister's backyard, yielding this photo of me standing in the middle of it:

my stupid half-brother said that i could write posts to his weblog as long as i didn't say anything that would embarrass him. don't expect to hear from me much, though. unlike him, i have better things to do with my time. i'm certainly not going to be standing around hospitals writing down their fire safety instructions or looking up websites to see if people in wisconsin don't give the name madison enough to their children.

he thinks he's being funny, i suppose. he does that. he's like the little kid who sticks straws in his nose and starts honking and shouting "i'm a walrus! i'm a walrus!" in fact he still does that at christmas sometimes even though none of us have laughed at it, ever. not even constance. he also usually spills food down his stupid button-down shirts at christmas and always ends up giving us cheapass gifts that he buys at mall kiosks and wraps in a way that would make you think a one-armed four-year-old did it. i bet he doesn't write about that in his precious weblog.

the whole weblog thing has gone to his head, if you ask me. i bet part of the reason he's doing is that it helps him compensate for all the jealousy he's always felt toward me. he may be the one with a phd, but whenever we get together it's clear who is the intellectual astronaut and who is the person who mixes the tang.

anyway, the reason i'm writing in at all is to write in to ask what's the deal with rob and the "half-basque, half-wolverine" thing. i assume that is another stupid thing that jeremy is making up. he likes to make up words like "basque" and pretend that they are real. one thing i do know, is that my brother is right about rob being C-U-T-E. so-called puppy sprinkles better watch out or maybe dahlia will be making a little secret trip to kent, ohio, if you know what i mean ;) ;) ;) ;)

rob, you know where to get in touch with me if the wolverine spirit so moves you. until later. *hugs*

Today I was over at the Veterans' Hospital in Madison for a meeting, and I saw this fire safety sign that made me wish I had a photo of it (I know, I should be carrying my camera all times for just such bloggable opportunities). I ended up having to wait for my meeting, however, so I scrawled down what it said:

In case of fire, RACE:
1. RESCUE those in danger
2. Pull ALARM box
3. Dial 911 to notify operator of fire and location
4. CLOSE all doors on fire floor
5. EXTINGUISH small fires using extinguisher
6. EVACUATE to smoke-free floor

I'm a big fan of mnemonics, but "RACE" may be the most ineffective safety mnemonic that I have ever seen. Imagine if there was a fire and all you could remember was RACE and what those particular things stood for. You would only do #s 1, 2, 4, and 5. You wouldn't call 911, and you wouldn't yourself actually evacuate to safety. You would stand firm with your extinguisher, and, if the alarm box didn't work, potentially no authorities would be notified except perhaps by those who heard your screams as you were being burned alive.

-----Original Message-----
From: Robert Clark  
Sent: Wednesday, August 20, 2003 8:07 PM
To: Jeremy Freese

you may want to note this: within the world of college athletics, i root
most strongly for the michigan WOLVERINES.  i did not go to michigan, i
have never lived in michigan, nor am i aware of any meaningful affiliation
that i have with michigan.  i'm not even that big a fan of the movie "red
dawn."  bizarre, no?

actually, i know perfectly well why i root for michigan.  in the 5th 
grade, my P.E. teacher started a march madness pool of sorts, where we all
randomly selected one of the 64 teams out of a hat before the tournament
started.  the student who picked the tourney champ got a coupon for a free
ice cream cone.  i picked michigan.  if my memory serves me correctly,
they beat navy (with david robinson) in an 8/9 game and then lost to north
carolina in the 2nd round.  i was crushed, but my allegiance had become 
firmly cemented.  to this day, i make sure that all glory (and agony)
reflecting off of michigan shines fully on me.  in fact, dark blue and
gold/yellow quickly became my favorite colors and i sometimes root for
other sports teams if their colors even remotely resemble michigan's.

Also: Rob has sent out the e-nnouncement for his 2003 NFL pool, in which the winner will not only be awarded with 60% of the pot but also with a haiku written by me. As per this past weekend in Atlanta:
"Would you write a haiku for me?"
"A haiku for you? You want me to write a haiku. One about Rob Clark?"
"Well, no. Would you write a haiku about somebody else if I asked you to?"
"Sure, I could do that. Writing haikus are easy. I speak in haiku."
"And would you post it to your weblog?"
"If that's what you want. Or I could do a limerick. Maybe a sonnet."
"Maybe, but those would have to be in addition to the haiku."

On a separate matter, a friend and regular weblog reader from Bloomington, IN e-mails to say: "Regression Models for Categorical Dependent Variables Using Stata has become my bible!" I wish she had sent this quote in time to be a blurb, as the revised edition of the Long and Freese RMCDVUS has just been released, my five complimentary copies were waiting for me when I got back from ASA. The book is updated for Stata 8, meaning among other things that all the graphs were redrawn. Nothing really new in terms of substance has been added, which is why it isn't called "second edition".

I notice, however, they also changed the font on the cover and the cover art. If you squint you can see the difference between the two below:




(Original edition of RMDCVUS, top, and revised edition. Note: actual dimensions of the book are the same. If the book on the bottom appears larger, it is an optical illusion caused by the different art on the cover.)

I liked the old cover better, to be honest. The book is still $52, which is pricey, but printing books with a lot of math and graphs is pricey. If you put together all of the money that I have made on royalties for the book and divide by the number of hours I spent working on it, it still doesn't add up to the current federal minimum wage for me.

BTW, on the side of the book, the Stata Press logo is now in white instead of black. The Stata Press logo is a stylized picture of a soldier getting kicked in the head with a horse.



This is a cute little reference to the early work on the Poisson distribution which involved a study of casualties from Prussian soldiers dying from headwounds caused by horses. If memory serves, the conclusion of the study was that helmets did indeed appear to help.

Ugh, I'm tired and will be going home soon. I feel a little bit like I've been kicked in the head by a Prussian horse myself.

More about my recent post regarding Rob. Mandy Noodleman, a regular reader from Blinderman, IL, e-mailed me this morning: I swear. I saw someone who looked like Rob jogging this morning. He had the same eyes and eyebrows, also that super otherworldly skin. I wanted to say something to him in Basque. Or Wolverine.

Basque, as you may know, is one of the world's most unique languages, unrelated to any other except for a vague affinity to Klingon. "Wolverine," however, is not a language, but rather as X-Men viewers know, wolverines speak a fairly standard version of American English, only with a more earnest look and dramatic pauses. Rob usually accompanies his wolverine with these knowing phrases which he says while violently moving his eyebrows up and down.

Speaking of which, Rob told me at ASA that he was disappointed that I didn't post my answers to the Special Guest Quiz that he posted to this weblog awhile back. I didn't realize that I was supposed to answer it. Re-reading it, this is fairly obviously addressed to me rather than to other readers of JFW about me. Then again, apparently several readers had the same interpretation as me, since they sent me their own answers and scores.

In any case, as for my own answer, I am fairly confident that I would answer (a) to all questions. Definitely for the one that would involve jumping into the air and clicking my heels, as I do that so regularly around here that it's apparently become part of the stock graduate-student-imitation-of-me.

Eminem (I know, I know) came up on the RealJukebox playlist at home: "The Real Slim Shady," from his second album. I spent the walk to campus mulling over the following lines:

I just get up on the mike and spit it
and whether you'd like to admit it
I just [excretory metaphor for the production of rap music]
better than 90 percent of you rappers out there
and then wonder why these kids eat up these albums
like Valium

The strange thing about the fourth line is how modest Eminem is (or his Slim Shady persona, I'll admit I don't really understand how that little narrative device works). I mean, here he is, even at the time the biggest selling artist in rap music, and when asked to account for his success, only places himself in the 90th percentile of all those out there doing that style of music. Imagine Tiger Woods denouncing his detractors by saying just that "whether you like to admit it, I'm better than 90 percent of you golfers out there." Granted, as an explanation for how you get to be the top figure at your craft, it seems a little wanting to say that you are better than all but 10% of the many people out there who do it. I wonder what he thinks is the rest of the explanation of his success--what propels him past those 10% of rappers who are by his own implication better than he is. In the same song, he goes on about how he has the [masculine anatomical metaphor for courage] to rap about things that other people "joke about with their friends" but are too afraid to say in public, so maybe that's it. Or perhaps he believes that it's simply a matter of luck, and the only reason this explanation didn't make it into the song is that "stochastic processes" doesn't make an easy rhyme.

I'm sitting in my apartment ready to watch this DVD that was given to me by a then-stranger at ASA. The story: I was standing in one of the hotel bars around closing time, pontificating to a couple of friends about how perverse I think it is that the American Sociological Association always has its meetings in hotels that are ridiculously opulent and regularly out of the price range of non-parentally-subsidized graduate students (indeed, there are some I know who believe that ASAs should just go back and forth in alternating years between some plush hotel in Manhattan and an equally plush hotel in San Francisco). I was recreating these images of someone pacing around their hotel room, practicing this passionate talk about the plight of the working man while directing the housekeeping staff about proper turndown service and calling up the concierge to complain when the high-speed Internet didn't work. As a rhetorical flourish, I pointed to the 47-story atrium of the Marriott, which I said looked like a monument to the spinal cords of the backs of exploited poor on whom the hotel was built and whom we, as complicit conventioneers, were stomping on right now. At the close of this speech, a man I had never met before came up and said that he heard what I was saying and that he had thought something similar at the ASA meetings in Chicago last year and had made a short video montage based on it. This was what is supposed to be on the DVD that he happened to have on him and which he handed to me, along with his e-mail address. I will confess that at the time I worried that this DVD was going to turn out to be a video of some kind of scandalous material from the Netherlands and my hotel room was going to be raided and I was going to have to try to say to some skeptical Interpol agent that I didn't know what was on it and had been given it by a stranger in a hotel.

Ut oh, the DVD doesn't seem to want to play on my DVD player. It's a Mac DVD-ROM; I wonder if it needs to be played on a Mac. I wonder if it I can get Doug or Joan to let me watch it in their office.

An article in NYT discusses David Blaine's latest planned stunt--to live for 44 days suspended in a plexiglas container over the Thames River in London, surviving only on water. I first learned about David Blaine one year when I was back on the farm for Christmas, and he had just run the first of his TV specials in which a cameraman would follow him around while he did street magic tricks for surprised bystanders. This Freese Family discussion was notable because I was cast as being smug and close-minded for my refusal to entertain the possibility that Blaine might be really magic instead of just being a magician. Indeed, I can still call up the memory of my dear mother saying, "I thought maybe he was an angel."

(Uniquely handsome Rob "Babycakes" Clark, left, and your weblog author)

Okay, another quick post before I go home. One of the more exciting intellectual moments at ASA was the revelation of the answer to a question that has puzzled me for some time. The good looks of my good friend and sometimes guest blogger Rob "Babycakes" Clark are widely recognized and beyond debate, but much less understood is why it is that Rob doesn't really look like other people. That is, with even a modicum of visual imagination, after awhile pretty much everybody you meet at least vaguely reminds you of someone else that you already know. But not Rob, he's always had this je ne sais quoi that has kept him from provoking any resemblence to anyone else. Well je ne sais quoi no more, as it turns out that Rob has a unique anecstral background: half-Basque, half-wolverine:


(Rob "Babycakes" Clark, right, with his life-partner Amy "Puppy Sprinkles" Kroska)

Update, 9:30AM: Already e-mail has come in from a loyal reader in Mundelein, IL, who writes: I have to say, this whole Rob is so cute thing, you're right! I think I want to breed with a wolverine now just to see what happens.

Just got back from ASA in the last hour. I'm in the office, retrieving my PC, which the computing staff has ride of the blaster worm. Will have more to blog about various things from the ASA meetings later, to be sure. One thing I can say now, however, is that if your flight is delayed so that you can't make your connection and your airline switches you to another airline and then the flight on the second airline also ends up coming in late, the best possible scenario for turning-that-lemon-into-lemonade is to have the consequence be that you get to spend the whole trip traveling with my office-next-door-neighbor, Joan Fujimura:



The only icky-speck-in-the-lemonade is that somewhere on the trip, Joan lost the swanky Armani jacket she was wearing. We think it was at the airport Chili's in Atlanta.

Also: An e-mail in my inbox from Shelley B notes that Kieran Healy was also blogging from ASA--and about Wisconsin, to boot. From his weblog:

The American Sociological Association’s annual meeting got off to a decent start last night, with a performance in the main ballroom by a band called Thin Vita [sic: they spell it Vitae, I think]. It’s made up of, amongst others, John Sutton (guitar/vocals) and current ASA President Bill Bielby (bass). So I think Bill is pretty well top of the list of Heads of Social Science Associations That You’d Want To Have A Beer With. Towards the end of the night, my Ph.D adviser Paul DiMaggio appeared onstage as guest vocalist. Bielby and Sutton are at UCSB, which is a pretty relaxed place, and I’ve seen Paul perform before. But I have to say I got a fresh perspective on the Midwestern tradition of occupational mobility and stratification studies by watching Bob Hauser and other Wisconsinites tear up the dance floor.

Also Also: A quick peek at the TradeSports website reveals that Arnold Schwarzenegger's bid for California governor is now back to trading at 50, down from 65.5 right before I left for ASA. In other words, if you would only have listened to me, you could have made 15% just in the time that I was gone!

I'm going to a session in 20 minutes so this has to be brief. I'm blogging here from the hotel room doing about the best (still pathetic) rendition of the splits that I can presently muster. I have each foot on one end of the "Sociology at Wisconsin" banner that was entrusted to me at the reception tonight and that is all crinkly from having been rolled up in my bag until I thought just now to take it out.

I've been having a great time. Powell's brother's restaurant, Agnes & Muriel's is great southern food, and the font of the best peach sangria I have ever had in my life (indeed, that alone afforded an entirely new appreciation of Georgia, kind of like Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil in a glass).

Anyway, perhaps more about the Department Alumni Night and other excursions later. Great "Author Meets Critics" session this morning about Eric Klinenberg's Heat Wave.

Last year, I spent a full day holed up in my hotel room putting text together for an ASA talk where I ended up having too much material and reading/talking too fast and feel like I had wasted a bunch of time (especially since the paper from the talk went nowhere, although that's a story for another day). Never again, I resolved, and especially not just for a regular ASA session. This time, I went in there with the two transparencies and a 3/4 page of handwritten notes that I wrote that morning, and then I just got up there and talked. Much better!

I ran into Julie downstairs before coming up here and she said that she had checked my blog before leaving and knew from it that some of the Indiana contingent was not going to make it to Atlanta, but she didn't know whom. This is the first instance of someone reporting to me actually using my weblog as a news resource, and, alas, it wasn't specific enough. We will work hard at JFW to improve our coverage so that loyal readers will have the information they need, when they need it.

Tonight: The reception for the Sociology of Mental Health section (so apropos); Dinner with Powell and other's at his brother's restaurant (which, through a complicated story, was named the #1 lesbian restaurant in the United States by a magazine a few years ago); then the Department Alumni Night, for which Indiana University always takes much pride in its large turnout of alums, faculty, and current students (and helps ensure that the pattern continues by handing out drink tickets left and right.)

My friends Rita and Keri, who work at the CDC in Atlanta, hosted a get-together for some Indiana University alums. The evening was planned as a "poker night" reminiscent of the times when we would play poker as graduate students, although--not unexpectedly--the evening was more about chatting than playing cards (especially, when, at the end, we didn't end up cashing in our chips anyway). The night was great, Keri makes a mean sangria and Rita has a gorgeous abode. Sadly, however, I do not have the young-puppy energy of my friends and so started to wilt early (around 12:30-1AM). But, as is not uncommon for me, I ended up being cajoled into stay around more than an hour longer than I should have, especially since I hadn't done much of anything as a start toward the talk that I am giving this afternoon. After spending $40 on a cab to get back to the hotel, I ended up not getting to sleep until 3:30am.

Phil Gorski came knocking on my door at 7:45 to pick up the plaques I had hauled down here to give him for the political sociology awards event. It was a good immediate jolt to start the day. I tried to look like I had just been awakened when I answered the door, but I suspect the tousled hair and mumbling, confused demeanor tipped Phil off.

Anyway, my mysterious half-sister Dahlia may have just saved the day. I realized that I didn't bring any of the various drives for my laptop with me, so I didn't have any easy way to get the overheads I just made for my talk off my computer. I thought then about e-mailing the presentation to the Kinko's downstairs, and got their e-mail address, but then the ever-frustrating SSCC webmail interface didn't work. But then I realized I could just have Dahlia send the attachments for me, and, after some whining about my general disorganization and incompetence, she obliged.

It may only be $15/day for the connection and the Ethernet cable, but I am online here in Atlanta at the meetings of the American Sociological Association meetings. Already my roommate has informed me that she won't be coming because of back problems, and several members of the group I was supposed to be joining tonight for drinks and poker will either not be coming or be coming late because of the blackout. I'm not sure how much the course of the meetings is going to be affected by the blackout. A colleague of mine who was on the plane with me said that he had been secretly hoping the blackout would reach Chicago so our connecting flight would be canceled and he'd have an unassailable excuse for bailing out on coming here.

For those would be surprised that I have Internet access and haven't e-mailed them: I'm having trouble getting the SSCC webmail interface to let me send mail, although I can read it. However, I'm just here for a moment and then I'm going back down to register and chat with people. Now that I'm here, I'm feeling a little exhiliarated, even. So I don't know how much JFW readers will get by way of blog entries.

I am going to the meetings of the American Sociological Association tomorrow. In my early years of graduate school, I never really got why people bothered to go to the meetings. Certainly, while some presentations are great, the intellectual content as a whole didn't seem enough of a draw. Later, when friends of mine got their Ph.D. and scattered across the country, it made sense to have this annual reunion. And, of course, you start to develop relationships through correspondence or otherwise with other people in the discipline. So I'm looking forward now to seeing a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a year, and maybe I'll get in some sociological-sight-seeing to boot. Plus, I'm making a trip on Monday to see my sister Faye and niece Jamie in Norcross.

Perhaps I will get and take the chance to send a blog update while I'm down there, but loyal readers should not count on it. Then again, some of my readers will be down there with me, I suppose.

BTW, I confirmed tonight that I have the dreaded Blaster Worm on my home computer, and I'm hoping that the computer staff will purge this for me while I'm gone. I was talking to my mom earlier and I mentioned that I had the virus [sic] that was in the news on my computer. "It's not a virus," she said, "they're saying it's an infection."

"I thought it was a worm," I replied, despite having absolutely no reason to think that my mom would know the virus/worm distinction.

"No, they're saying it's like an infection, like it's already inside your computer and that it's an infection." I wasn't really able to make out who "they" were, except that they were on the TV (where else?), and I wasn't able to make out what "they" meant by infection.

Special weblog contest #3: Explain to me what my mother was talking about; she seemed quite sure of herself.

[Note: This actually turned into a mostly serious rumination/lamentation about quantitative sociology that I needed to get out of my system, and I'm posting here even though there isn't any reason for you to read it. Part of it may end up working its way into a methods lecture or something else sometime. Really, skip it and move to the next post.]

Shelly B was indulgent of me the other day when I launched into this disquisition about how I became much better at being able to figure out magic tricks. The epiphany I had sometime in my teens was that magic tricks evince a certain kind of optimality. Everything supporting the desired illusion that the magician can let you see, you see. The corollary is that whatever you didn't see that would have supported the illusion, had you been shown it, must be something the magician couldn't let you see. In other words, you should first think about what would have made the trick even better, and then you should think about why it was that the magician didn't do the trick that way.

Anyway, since I don't regularly attend magic shows and since televised magic has devolved into all kinds of video fakery (expect a rant on here about David Blaine sometime, by the way), one would think that this little insight I had into solving magic tricks would not be all that handy to my life now. Instead, you would be surprised at how much analogous logic makes its way into the times when my work involves reading published quantitative research by others. For example, awhile back a colleague came by to bring me a copy of a paper we had discussed. Since it was one of those papers whose storyline you can follow from the tables, he flips to the first table of regression results.

I saw that first table And I Knew. "Wait, why would they do the table like that? The point of their theory would be to first present the results from a reduced model, and then run the model whose results they show, so that you can see how the coefficients change from the first model to the second." [okay, what I actually said was much simpler, but I'm scumbling some details to conceal the identities of the particular paper I'm talking about.]

My colleague replied that while that would have provided the most straightforward test of their theory, the paper was instead presented as an elaboration of the theory. So that the analysis that I'm talking about wasn't really the focus of the paper. For the focus of the paper as it was presented, only the results from the full model were relevant.

The problem with this explanation is that it presumes, optimistically, that the analyses began with the same focus in mind that is the focus presented in the eventual published paper. I am increasingly of the opinion that one should instead presume, until convinced otherwise, that papers take on the particular focus that they do because of the way that a set of statistical analyses conducted with who-knows-what initial focus happened to turn out. Now, if this were just saying that it is a trope in sociology (and likely elsewhere) to present results that were inductively generated as if they had been deductively generated in the effort to pit competing hypotheses fairly against one another, this would be lamentable enough. The thing is, however, that the analyses are also presented in a way which hides evidence that would call the conclusion of the paper into question.

This comes up when you read a paper and can think of simple things omitted from the analyses that would have strengthened the author's arguments had they been presented. In this case, a comparison of coefficients from the reduced and full models [that is, seeing how coefficients change when other regressors are added]. The author's presentation would have been much more compelling had the two models been shown and the reader seen that the key coefficients changed substantially. So what I suddenly knew looking at the first table in this paper is that in fact the coefficients probably didn't change much at all, because if they had they would have been there. It so happened that I had the dataset used in the paper at hand, and I was quickly able to do the analyses that were omitted from the paper. Sure enough, the coefficients are either practically the same across the reduced and full models, and in a few cases the direction of the small change is actually the opposite of what the larger theory being advocated by the author would predict. So results are presented as supporting a small implication of a theory that actually, if presented completely, would have undermined a much larger implication of the same theory.

Another example of this was a paper that I was once given to review where the author developed hypotheses that were tested using specific survey items as dependent variables. Supporting results were reported for the various tests, in tables with little stars-of-statistical-significance in all the right places. The thing was, I was familiar with the particular survey the author used, and I knew they asked a much broader array of items than what were included in the tests [again, I'm being purposefully vague]. Indeed, I knew that for some of the items the author used, an alternative version of the item that was intended to tap precisely the same concept was also included (and were on the same page of the codebook!), but no mention of tests using this alternative item were made anywhere in the paper. Since the paper's illusion would have been stronger if all the items had been used, I surmised that the missing items couldn't be shown because otherwise they would have undermined it. Again, I had the data at hand, and, lo, analyses of the excluded variables provided absolutely no evidence for any of the authors' hypotheses.

In academia, there are strong norms against suggesting that someone has been dishonest. And, of course, you can't prove that they have been dishonest; maybe they are merely incompetent or sloppy or working-too-quickly and did not realize that they should have conducted these additional analysis. However, sometimes it does seem like truly bountiful providence must have led the author to make a combination of arbitrary analytic decisions that, upon further inspection, also happen to be the circumstances under which the produced results happened to be the strongest in their favored position. I suppose that, when one is in the thrall of a particular theory, and especially one that is their own and helping them toward disciplinary fame, it becomes very easy to convince oneself that all of these arbitrary decisions that nudge the results in the right direction are actually substantively well-justified.

Anyway, I have not been in the academic game that terribly long, especially on the quantitative side of things, and I feel like I have already seen way too much of this. If I were being completely honest, I would admit that I've also felt the lure of it myself and have had to mentally militate against it. Sociology does itself no favors as a discipline by producing research that, when given a careful and informed reading, gives the impression of thumbs laid heavily on the holy scales of multiple regression. Maybe the situation would be improved if critical replication was a more valued enterprise in our discipline, so that people had more reason to worry about being called out for analyses that were not more reflective and open about their shortcomings. Relatedly, another big contributor to the problem may be that sociology is spread so thinly across areas that, especially when findings are relatively bland but consistent with the general party line, there is not much worry to think that anyone will do anything but just parrot the reported upshot of your results.

Quantitative sociologists complain regularly that their research is not taken seriously enough in the formation of public policy. The sneaking feeling that I voice only in the nether paragraphs of protracted weblog entries is that the common inattention to sociological studies might just be well-justified. Don't get me wrong--there is responsible, careful, thorough, competent, and honest quantitative research conducted in sociology. However, I am not necessarily convinced that sociologists provide any good means for people involved in the determination of policy to be able to find that research amidst the rest.

[Here, I become increasingly drowsy and cognizant of all that I need to do yet tonight, and stop abruptly even though much more could be said.]

We are here in 8105 Social Science live with Teddy, who has just been asked the question of what part of JFW she likes best. She votes for the Mr. Mongosutu thing, followed by various dispatches about Puppy Sprinkles. She seems a little nervous about the whole idea of having her responses entered in REAL TIME onto the world wide web. Except, she protests, that this isn't really REAL TIME, since I do have to hit the little "Post & Publish" button before any of this goes on line. "Exactly!" she shrieks. Then she starts talking about how scared she is of Emily. "No!" she cries, "Don't put that in there! Don't put how I'm afraid of Emily! What will she say when she logs on and reads this? Stop typing! Now! Seriously, stop typing!"
"You've ruined my life!" she screams, "Besides, now you're just making stuff up! Before you were quoting me faithfully and accurately, and you've retreated into this complete fabulation."
"Teddy, do you want all your dialogue to be in a special color?"
"Oh, yeah! Heck, yeah! That would great! How about amethyst."
"I'm not sure that's a web color, Teddy."
"Well, make it one! I'm sick of your excuses!"
"But I've taken to using purple for my own speech. I don't think people would easily be able to tell your speech and mine apart"
"Teal is really nice, I love teal. I don't want any excuses about teal! So type that, and then type something about how I leapt up and ran from the room."
Teddy then leapt up and ran from the room.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now trading for 62-64 on the TradeSports website. Just a couple days ago, I posted that people were overvaluing the likelihood of his being elected when he was trading for 50-55. By way of comparison, 62-64 is only 2-3 points less than what Bush 2004 is trading for right now on the same site, meaning that people are saying that AS has about the same probability of winning the recall than GWB has of winning the Presidential election. This is insane! (Again, he may well win, but that's a different matter from saying that right now he has a 62-64% chance of winning.) Please, given that I have made a rule that I will not involve myself in high-stakes prediction-market speculation, some weblog reader PLEASE step in and take advantage of this rank irrationality in the market!

Update, 10pm: Schwarzenegger for Governor last traded at 65.5, George W. Bush for President 2004 last traded at 65. The prevailing prices on the market are now giving AS a slightly better shot at winning his election than does GWB. Seriously, I have never been so sorely tempted to enter the world of gambling in my life. Still, I will hold off, but BEG one of my many moneyed readers to take my advice and bet everything they own here. Of course, you may then lose everything, but you have fabulous odds for almost tripling your money in less than two months!

Scrabble club last night, first time in a month. For people who have not followed my earlier Scrabble weblog entries, I play in the B division at the Madison Scrabble Club (or, as its technically known to the National Scrabble Association, Scrabble Club #247), and I have long had but never achieved this goal of just once going undefeated, winning all four of my games. The last few times at club, I have won my first three games only to lose the last one. This week, despite the rustiness of not having played, it happened again.

My first three games, I rolled to big wins, making the bingoes VERBIAGE, TREASON, DENIALS, and CLOISTER. In the first game, I won despite allowing my opponent to play *OPENESS despite being pretty sure it wasn't good without the second N. In the third game, I also had SATINE+O on my rack (more about the legendary SATINE+ bingo stem another day, perhaps) with an open lane to play a bingo across a triple word score. Even though I saw that it made ATONIES, I convinced myself that this wasn't actually a word but that *ISOTANE was. ISOTANE is not a word (ISOTONE is) and my play was challenged off, but I still marched to victory.

After winning the first three games--especially since I hadn't wanted to be out late necessarily anyway--I thought about bolting, but I decided that this would forever sully my goal of having an undefeated night if I had one only because I dodged playing a fourth game. So, in my last game, I played this guy Ray who someone said writes crossword puzzles. This showed when he made the bingo PASTIES by hooking the first S onto MEW to make SMEW, which apparently is some kind of duck. From there, or more precisely from his bingo GUNNIES three turns later, the rout was on, and I was lucky only to lose by 102 points.

Off to Scrabble club, for the first time in a month. Before I leave, however, I thought I would share some of the reader e-mail I have received regarding the recent termination of the "Heart of Darkness" e-mail exchanges with Mr. Mongosutu.

A reader (and death-metal band member) from Denton, TX writes:

you are a [expletive deleted] chicken.  
i am surprised that you caved in to your friends.  
guess who is no longer my hero.

Alternatively, a more optimistic reader from Kent, OH hopes the story will continue:

so what would happen if dahlia actually went ahead and contacted joe shmoe 
and said, "hi, my name is dahlia, my address is 326 pippy longstocking 
drive, grand rapids, michigan. now show me the money." and why does dahlia   
have to go to spain in order to do this?  would the price of the  
international call not be worth all the weblog fun?  if you want to use a 
real address, you could even get your very own post office box (i think
they are like a buck every six months or something) in some nearby city  
(like milwaukee).  it's that kind of attention to detail and committment  
to excellence that would really impress your weblog audience...

your next move could also be for dahlia to suggest to mongocakes that they
together start a money scam: wouldn't it be fun, mr.mongocakes, if we
actually pretended that we were in this dire situation? and we could
actually scam people out of their money!...

finally, you could make up subsequent mongocakes correspondence (if you're
not doing this already) and orchestrate an ongoing soap opera between you,
mongocakes, dahlia, and the goody constance for your weblog audience.  you
could rotate characters in and out of the story every few months.  i would
be in favor of introducing pepe, the spanish orphan, who has a mysterious 
past (e.g., it is ultimately revealed that you are his father), as he  
searches for the truth about himself and about mongocakes...

While I appreciate the suggestions herein, I note that I would never make up correspondence for Mr. Mongosutu, as fabrication of any kind would compromise the integrity of this weblog, and also I have no control over what Dahlia does.

Here, sharing the karaoke stage to sing the Grease standard "Summer Nights", are the 2001 and (just announced) 2003 American Sociological Association Dissertation Award winners:



Ah, and so of course I use the opportunity of someone else's success not only to bask in their glory but to insinuate in some basking in my ever-more-distant-and-seemingly-anomalous-past-success AT THE SAME TIME. That's me, to a T.

For readers of this weblog who do not know her, Devah is brilliant and perhaps the most unstoppable person I have ever known. My suspicion is that she will not only be President of the ASA within the next twenty years, but President of the USA as well.

Incidentally, the person who one the Dissertation Award in the intervening year between Devah and me, Kieran Healy, has his own weblog, which is much more long-standing and elaborately-designed than my own.

No messages from Mr. Mongosutu. Constance, however, has sent her responses to the end of our collaborative venture. To me, she writes:

Brother,

I can't say how disappointed I am that you have chosen not to trust Mr. Mongosutu. I felt that you had truly built a solid friendship with this man by email, and I can't help but think how hurt he is that you have decided to sever ties with him. Additionally, I am sad to say that now the children will not be able to have their toothbrushes - let alone the Crest Whitestrips I was going to get them for Christmas - and I don't know how I will tell them.

I know you have always been competitive with Dahlia, but I don't see why you had to ruin this for everyone.

Constance

Then, to Dahlia:

Dahlia,

I must say that your behavior during the past few days has been worrisome. It frightens me when you engage in self-destructive behavior, but at this point there isn't much I can do about it. I have to say that I am more than a little upset that your involvement in the Mongosutu affair has lead to the dissolution of our plans. The orphanage really needs the money, but I should have faith that God will pull us through somehow. It is just that the state of the children's dental health is so bad that sometimes I don't know what I can do.

I forgive you, as you know I always do. I will be praying for you and Jeremy. Please keep the children and I in your thoughts.

Your sister,

Constance

Okay, due to popular demand (e.g., "my god. we are all going to die."), I have decided to move toward pulling the plug on this. I think we at JFW are being cowardly and may have missed out on an opportunity for considerable riches. Oh, well, win some, lose some.

From Jeremy:

"Mr. Mongosutu":

I have just received a gloating e-mail from Dahlia indicating that 
you have decided to enlist her services for the purposes of your 
transaction rather than Constance's and mine.  I have no idea 
how you got her e-mail, but I deeply resent the intrusion and 
the breach of trust.  Do you know that Dahlia is only 17 years 
old?  Do you have any idea the kinds of troubles that we have 
had with her already?

Furthermore, I have made some inquiries the last couple of days
and discovered that e-mails like the kind you originally sent me 
are much more widespread than I had ever imagined.  I realize 
now that I have been naive.  Please do not contact me or any 
members of my family again, or I shall be forced to alert the 
appropriate authorities.

Constance:  I apologize for getting you involved in this.  
I will talk to you more about this later.  Have nothing more to 
do with this man.

--Jeremy

From Dahlia:

From: "Dahlia Hawkins"
To: "richard mongosutu"

my brother has FREAKED OUT.  he just e-mailed and told me 
he was going to have mom cancel my credit card if I e-mail you 
anymore. i still think that they were trying to take advantage of 
you. my family is scum. i hope you are able to get your money fine.  
hugs and prayers, dahlia.

Now, we are getting somewhere. Of course, that "where" might not be a particularly desirable place.

From: "richard mongosutu"  
To: dahliahawkins 
Subject: I have listened to you. 
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2003 21:39:42 +0200

Dahlia,

I hope you really got what i have been saying. but i believe i can give 
you a chance. I was supposed to send this contact information to your 
brother. Immediately you contact them in Spain tell them you are the Beneficiary 
of the Consignment lodged by Mr. Richard Mongosutu from Zimbabwe and that 
you intend comming to clear the consignment immediately.

Then once you do this they will contact to knbow from me if i am 
aware.immdiately i hear from them i will issue the Power of attorney 
which i was supposed to issue jeremy to you. then you immediately becomes the 
Beneficiary.

I am doing this because i know you look faster but on my mind i am 
doing jeremy what we did not plan but let's go ahead.. but i feel like 
letting your Brother know this. tomorrow i am decided that.

The percentage remains the same with you. no minus.

So send me your contact informationso that i can use it to procure the 
Power of attorney. this will include your Phone no. fax no. if any. full name 
and full contact address.

Please find the security  company contact.

GLOBAL SECURITY NETWORKS
VIVERO [deleted] MADRID SPAIN
PHONE NUMBER [deleted] FAX [deleted]
CONTACT PERSON, MR [deleted].
POSITIONED HELD, CORPORATE AFFAIRES/REGIONAL MANAGER.

I await all what i inquired from you or plz to indicate vyour seriousness in 
this, so that i can call it off once with your Brother. I believe my 
desperation to leave here is causing all these.

I await your reply.
Your friend,
Richard.

"After all, since by definition religious claims concerning an afterlife are not open to empirical verification (Stark and Bainbridge 1985, 1987), it is impossible for anyone to know with absolute certainty that the claims being advanced by the religion are wrong."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is currently trading for 50-55 on the TradeSports market for the California gubernatorial race. While he may well win, this is too high a price (equivalent to saying he has a 50%-55% chance of winning). Once again, I must restrain myself from entering into the realm of high-stakes prediction-market wagering in order to exploit these kinds of irrationalities of the market. However, you should feel free to take my advice and make bushels of money.

BTW, my mother a couple of nights ago on the phone said that "Now, did you see that Schwarzenegger is running for governor?" and I had to be sure to explain to her that if he won, he would only be governor of California, not Iowa, too.

BTW2, Yesterday, I sold ssome of the shares that I had bought in Lieberman at 7 on the low-stakes Iowa Electronics Market. In an earlier post that I won't bother linking to, I said that 7 was too low even though he's very likely not going to win, and as a result I made something like 45 cents (!) off the deal.

BTW3, there is not yet a market for will-Jeremy-be-slain-by-international-swindlers, although if there were I think some readers of this weblog would be itching to buy into it.

From: Dahlia Hawkins 
Sent: Tuesday, August 12, 2003 8:29 AM
To: richard mongosutu
Subject: listen to me!!!

sir, i'm not sure you understand me.  i don't want to 
be a consolation prize that you go to if things don't work 
out with connie.  little miss hotshot connie is going to do 
everything she can to have things work out so that she 
and jeremy get to split three million dollars of YOUR 
MONEY.  i can't believe that they are demanding that 
much when you are asking them to do so little.  i don't 
understand why it doesn't make you furious the way it 
does me.  maybe it is because you don't know them 
like i do, i don't know.  they're suckers with no head for 
money.  all jeremy is good at is scrabble and salsa 
dancing and i don't think either is going to help with 
the so-called 'joint venture' he's apparently trying to 
finagle you into.  DON'T BELIEVE THEM!!!  they'll probably 
end up trying to ask you for a bigger share than the 
three million.  all i want is just one million, maybe even 
less, because i'll also get pleasure from wiping the smug 
little greedy smiles off their faces.  i'm in the united 
states but have a passport and, unlike jeremy and 
constance, i saved all my money from the inheritance so 
i wouldn't have any problem flying anywhere on short 
notice.  you seem really sweet and nice and i think they 
are treating you really unfairly.  hugs, dahlia.

Mr. Mongosutu responds to Dahlia:

From: "richard mongosutu" 
To: dahliahawkins67@yahoo.com 
Subject: Re: you have to listen to me 
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2003 10:11:36 +0200

Dear Dahlia,

i really appreciate your gesture in this regard. but i am afraid to 
persopnally betray the trust i have built on Mr. Freese within this 
short time.

to be Frank this deal is yet to be concluded in anyway i will give the 
Chance to be in Spain on my behalf if Mr. Freese cannot make it with 
Ms. Constance. Because as of now i am still expecting the application form 
i am supposed to complete which will facilitate the clearance of this 
consignment.

Now, Constance was supposed to clear this consignment during her stay 
in Madrid this week and if the whole continues to be like this,this week 
that means it will not be possible that Constance will do it again unless 
she has to stay extra days. But if it dose't work out i will suggest mr. 
freese giving you a chance without mentioning our earlier contact because i 
don't betray those who wants to assist me in anyway. so please i want you to 
bear with me till the end of this week so that we can see how things can 
work out.

By, the way where are you. and what do you do. we can discuss more on 
phone if you can give me your number plz.

thaks once again.
Richard.

(Um, I had no idea when this started there would be a "Part 16.")

-----Original Message-----
From: Dahlia Hawkins [mailto:(deleted)] 
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 8:30 PM
To: richard mongosutu
Subject: you have to listen to me

sir, please, i am trying to help you here.  i can help you get your 
money out for two million dollars less than what they want to charge 
you.  TWO MILLION DOLLARS.  that's a lot of money anywhere.  i am not 
sure what jeremy has told you to get you excited about being in some 
'joint venture' with him, but let's get some facts straight.  first, he has 
no business sense, he's a sucker, the only reason he has money is 
because of the inheritance, and, even with you trying to hand him 
millions, i'm sure he'll find a way to go through that.  your 'joint venture' 
will probably be opening up long john silver's restaurant somewhere in 
wisconsin.  second, i think he is trying TO RIP YOU OFF.  i mean, three 
million dollars to fill out some paperwork.  i don't know how he negotiated 
that, but that's cruel to be taking advantage of you and your family in that 
way. he thinks just because you are in a bad spot he and princess connie 
should try to make as much money as they can.  it makes me sick, what 
they are doing.  i can do whatever they are going to do for you, and 
besides i'm not just prettier than them, but smarter too ;)  just tell them 
the deal's off and then let me know what i should to do make 
arrangements to go to madrid.  will i see you there?  DO NOT TELL THEM 
I HAVE CONTACTED YOU.  they will tell mom and then all hell will break 
loose and besides i am just trying to help you out and make a little money 
for myself, instead of bilking you for some big extravagant fortune.  
dahlia

Emily has implored me to make the following vow in writing and post it to my website:



(Note: I would make a similar promise to any of the three other students I know who are taking the social psychology prelim tomorrow, all of whom I hold in high regard.)

As if I don't have enough to be neurotic about, my friends Jan and John sent me the following postcard from their recent trip to California:



I suppose I should be thankful that I'm too busy consuming Kraft Easy Mac and the pesto dish offered by the nearby Noodles restaurant to eat actual fruits or vegetables, or I would be a walking vial of poison!

Reply from Mr. Mongosutu: to Constance and I:

Mr. Freese,

I have sent a fax message to Spain and i am yet to get a reply . It is about 
9.00pm here now and i dont think i can write you a mail today again. But my 
prayer is that everything should go on as planned to finish this week.

So i will reach you tomorrow to finalise about the arrangements once i hear 
from them.

Richard.

Reply from Mr. Mongosutu to Dahlia:

Dear Dahlia,

Thanks a lot for your email. and concern. but concerning this i am already 
discussing it with Mr. freese before he copted Constance into it. so i 
believe that if you are the one chanced to be there it has to be 
through Mr. Freese who is in charge. The assistance i need does not only need to be 
securing the money but as soon as i come down to whereever we have 
agreed to meet i will like to settle there and at the same time get a business to 
invest in. that has been always my plan. so get intouch with Mr. Freese 
and whatever he advises i will work on.

you can give me your telephone no. where i can call you if you and mr. 
Freese agrees on this.  Once again i am working on his advise.

thank you.

richard.

Mr. Mongosutu responds:

From: richard mongosutu
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 3:06 AM
To: jfreese
Cc: constance_hawkins
Subject: RE: It is okay but..........

Dear jeremy,

I have not discussed much with the Security company on this. All we have 
said on this claim of consignment is that i want it cleared. So today i will 
send the fax immediately to give me all other details involving it's 
clearance this i will let you know immediately i get a feedback from them.

I am issueing a power of attorney on Constance name today. I have already 
discussed this with a Lawyer and i will see him for that today.

So i will brief you on all these later today.

Richard.

However, before Jeremy or Constance responds to this message, Mr. Mongosutu is sent a message by a new correspondent:

From: Dahlia Hawkins 
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 8:37 AM
To: richygosutu@(deleted)
Subject:

sir,

i am connie hawkins's sister.  she has told me that she 
and my stupid half-brother jeremy are making arrangements with 
you that will help you and your family get millions of dollars that are 
rightfully yours but that have been tied up in spain because of all 
the problems in africa.  connie says that you are going to give she 
and jeremy $3 million just for going to madrid and filling out some 
paperwork.  i think they are treating you horribly, taking advantage 
of someone in a desperate situation.  this is just like them.  plus, 
connie told me that she would give me a car once all this was over, 
like i'm supposed to be falling over thanking her for her generosity 
about a car while she and jeremy split three million dollars.  no, sir, 
she is a greedy leech who is always taking me for dumb, and i'm sick 
of it.

i can go to madrid anytime.  i can do sign forms or do whatever 
my sister was going to do, and you don't have to give me 3 million 
dollars.  I'll do it for one million dollars ($US), that's two million more 
for you and your family.  you just tell me where i need to be and when, 
and tell them that you've found another partner

i don't think connie told anyone else about your 
arrangement.  she thinks she can trust me because we're sisters.  
ha.

dahlia hawkins

Unaware of Dahlia's intrusion into the deal, Jeremy responds to Mr. Mongosutu a while later:

From: Jeremy Freese 
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 11:20 AM
To: 'richard mongosutu'
Cc: 'constance_hawkins'
Subject: RE: It is okay but..........

We look forward to hearing from you.  Constance tells me she 
is going to be quite busy for the next couple of days so I don't 
know if she will have the opportunity to e-mail you directly.  I 
have arranged to send her some money to cover her expenses 
if she needs to stay in Madrid for more than the time she had 
originally planned on being there.  Again, I am assuming that I 
will be reimbursed for this later.  Please let us know as soon as 
possible when final arrangements have been made, and let us 
know where Constance needs to go in Madrid.  We are excited 
that it looks like we will be able to wrap up everything in a few 
days, and we are thankful that you have given us this opportunity 
to assist you.

--Jeremy

Constance has sent me the directions to getting to Madrid from the orphanage in El Cubo de don Sancho:

From: El Cubo De Don Sancho ES
To: Madrid, Madrid ES

Driving Directions
* There are 0.20 km between your starting location and the beginning of your driving directions. Use maps to get from your starting location to the beginning of your route.

1. Start out going West toward C-525. (0.35 km)
2. Turn LEFT onto C-525. (12.48 km)
3. Turn SLIGHT RIGHT. (0.02 km)
4. Turn LEFT onto N-620/E-80. (48.92 km)
5. Merge onto N-630 toward SALAMANCA SUR/N-501/ÁVILA/E-803/CACERES. (1.80 km)
6. N-630 becomes AVENIDA DE LASALLE. (1.28 km)
7. AVENIDA DE LASALLE becomes CALLE DE LA FREGENEDA. (0.13 km)
8. CALLE DE LA FREGENEDA becomes CARRETERA FREGENEDA. (0.26 km)
9. Turn SLIGHT RIGHT onto N-630/PASEO DEL PROGRESO. (0.24 km)
10. Enter next roundabout and take 2nd exit onto CARRETERA DE MADRID/N-501. (0.22 km)
11. Stay straight to go onto CARRETERA DE MADRID. (0.57 km)
12. Enter next roundabout and take 2nd exit onto CARRETERA DE MADRID/N-501. (0.83 km)
13. Enter next roundabout and take 1st exit onto C-510/AVENIDA ALBA DE TORMES. (1.12 km)
14. Turn SLIGHT LEFT. (4.19 km)
15. unnamed road becomes N-501. (66.33 km)
16. Turn LEFT onto CL-803. (27.20 km)
17. Merge onto A-6 toward VILLACASTIN/MADRID (Portions toll). (96.82 km)
18. A-6 becomes AVENIDA DE PUERTA DE HIERRO. (1.62 km)
19. AVENIDA DE PUERTA DE HIERRO becomes AVENIDA DE LA VICTORIA. (0.78 km)
20. AVENIDA DE LA VICTORIA becomes CALLE DE LA PRINCESA. (1.34 km)
21. CALLE DE LA PRINCESA becomes CALLE GRAN VÍA. (0.69 km)

Total Estimated Time: 4 hours, 12 minutes
Total Distance: 267.20 km

The latest mouse-clicking-candy for me is this web URL by which I can see how many completes we have for the WLS, vs. the number of refusals, cases still in tracing (meaning we are trying to find them), and active cases (in the current pool that we are trying to call). I can hit reload and watch the numbers go up. I would include the URL so that you can see for yourself but some hands on the Good Ship WLS might think we should not broadcast this information to the entire world (and the entire world, increasingly, is becoming coterminous with the readership of this weblog). We currently have 140 completes vs. 15 refusals (a 90% response-vs.-refusal rate), and that's without any special efforts to convert refusals. So far getting people to do the survey is going really well, which speaks to the shining character of people from the Badger state. From looking at the other numbers, however, I suspect that whether our response rate ends up being "outstanding," "great," or merely "really good" is going to depend on how well we do at getting people who are not easy to reach on their phones in the first place, and so who haven't ended up being either completes or refusals yet.

First, my reply to Mr. Mongosutu:

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeremy Freese
Sent: Sunday, August 10, 2003 9:11 AM
To: 'richard mongosutu'
Cc: 'constance_hawkins'
Subject: RE: It is okay but..........

So, from what you said in your earlier e-mails, I'm presuming 
that you will be able to change the name of your beneficiary and 
issue a power of attorney by simple fax.  If you are able to do this 
on Monday, I would imagine that we could have everything in the 
works by when Constance arrives in Madrid at the end of the week.  
Constance also, of course, needs the address of the place she is 
going in Madrid.  I am trusting you that there is no danger to her in 
going to this place.  Let us know if there might be some advantage 
to her bringing along a couple of her more muscular friends from her 
church.

Since Constance is the one in Spain, not me, the documents should 
be in her name.  Earlier, you had suggested monetary conditions 
involving the transfer of funds; however, I am presuming I was wrong 
in believing that these would involve some kind of fee.  Do not issue 
any documents in Constance's name if there is any possibility of any 
monetary conditions involving the payment of fees that we have not 
yet discussed.  As I have said, we would understand if some fee 
needed to be paid in order to release the money; however, I cannot 
have my sister's name placed on any documents if we do not have 
the details of this up front.  Being obviously well-versed in the ways 
of business yourself, I am sure you understand.

I presume that Constance does not have a cel phone (you haven't 
obtained one recently, have you, C.?), and so if there is any part of the 
transaction that you need to conduct over the telephone please use 
the telephone number that I included in an earlier message, and I will 
pass this information along to Constance.

--Jeremy

Then, Constance chimes in shortly thereafter:

Dear Mr. Mongosutu,

My brother is correct that I do not have a cell phone.
 In the interest of time, it may be necessary to
contact him by phone.  Please do not hesitate to do
this.  He will know how to contact me, but I am
afraid, for the safety of the children, that we do not
give out the phone number for the orphanage.  In this
day and time, one never can keep children safe enough
from nefarious forces.

Please email or call my brother as soon as possible
with more details.  I can still adjust my schedule at
this time.  I may be able to stay in Madrid longer
than I thought.  If there are any hold ups with the
paperwork, I may be able to stay in Madrid until the
problems are resolved.

Constance

A new reader from Macon, Georgia has e-mailed asking for more details about the two-part Blossom episode that included an appearance of a good friend of mine in the role of "Puppy Sprinkles".

Plot summary (at least as best as I can recall): Joey Russo, fed up with the continual berating and costume changes of his sister Blossom, as well having to fend off the desperate unrequited love of her best friend Six, stows away in the back of a tractor trailer hauling contraband Cheddarwurst(tm) to Las Vegas, where he meets up with a troubled runaway named Puppy Sprinkles [my friend Amy] who is trying to make a living as a croupier. Joey falls in love with Puppy, who encourages his passion only because she has accidentally come to believe that Joey is really a millionaire cheese-filled-meat-product entrepeneur. Joey and Puppy's whirlwind romance leads them to decide that they are going to get married at Charo's 24 hour Chapel of Love just off The Strip [special guest appearance by Charo], and the regular cast makes a madcap trip out to Vegas and manages to stop the wedding just in time, with Blossom appearing in disguise as a drunken justice of the peace.

-----Original Message-----
From: richard mongosutu [mailto:(deleted)] 
Sent: Saturday, August 09, 2003 12:56 PM
To: jfreese@ssc.wisc.edu
Cc: constance_hawkins
Subject: It is okay but..........

Dear Jeremy,

How are you today. I have seen your arrangement and i feel it is okay and i 
hope vthings will work out fine. But, the problem now is that Constance will 
be in Madrid by next week according to her mail,while i have not started 
making arrangements for the change of name of beneficiary and the issuance 
of the Power of attorney.

So how do we manage this now. you know you caused this delay in one part, 
but that not withstanding suggest what we have to do inorder to meet up. 
though i am planning to fax thge Handling company on Monday regarding this 
so that they can send me the form i will have to complete. But let me know 
on whose name. Yours or Constance?

i have copied Constance a copy of this mail and i am still waiting to hear 
more suggestions about this from you.

Thanks so far.
Richard.

Even though I know orange is not the most flattering apparel color for everyone, I was still just trying to engage in some solidarity building when I got everyone in the Social Psychology and Microsociology area T-shirts for our annual Spring potluck. Earlier today, someone spotted one of the SPAM t-shirts on a stranger walking out of the library (that is, on who has nothing to do with the SPAM area), and, although my informant did not chase the woman down to make sure, the official suspicion is that one of the SPAM members on whom I bestowed these limited edition shirts turned around and re-sold theirs through one of the high-end-consignment-used-clothing-stores in town. Argh, the sense of betrayal I feel cannot be expressed in this medium, or at least without me going through the trouble of importing an .MP3 file of my screams of anger and I do not have time for that.

As long as I'm answering e-mail from others regarding my weblog:

A reader in South Bend, Indiana asks

By the way, what's the story behind the nicknames for Rob and Amy?  Do 
you have a nickname?

Rob's nickname "Babycakes" dates from the first year of his graduate studies at Indiana University, where he was regarded as so cute-as-the-dickens by the faculty there that they began calling him Babycakes. Eventually, the name also spread to the graduate studentry, the Clark-Kroska families, and indeed throughout much of the Midwest wherever his replica Pinewood Derby cars are sold. Although, importantly, "Babycakes" is used only as a sometimes nickname, always set off by quotation marks, and it should never be confused as a substitute for Rob. Amy is nicknamed "Puppy Sprinkles" because that was the name of the character she played when she appeared in a two-part episode of Blossom (her one and only foray into television acting). As for me, I currently have a large number of surly, profane nicknames among the students here, and before that I have had a variety of elementary, junior, high school, and collegiate nicknames that I have repressed. Rob and Amy have developed an extensive system of calling all of their friends names that also end in "-cakes"--except for our friend Donut, who is the irregular verb of the group--and in that naming system I am called "hostesscakes" because of my profound love for Ho-Hos.

A reader from Madison did some research following up on my earlier pondering of what the US Postal Service got out of sponsoring Lance Armstrong for the Tour de France, and provided me with the following information:

From the USPS's "setting the record straight" web page(see
http://www.usps.com/communications/news/strs/strs_letter03_0731b.htm for
full text)

[snip]
The Postal Service believes in advertising and
sponsorship because of the stiff competition it faces in the market
place. We believe the considerable recognition and the added benefit of
increased employee morale from the sponsorship of Lance Armstrong and
his Postal Service team fully justifies this business decision.

(Signed)
Azeezaly S. Jaffer, Vice President,
USPS Public Affairs and Communications
[End snip]

As well as the quote from another source, "In a recent interview with Reuters News Service, Bob Williams, chief executive of Burns Sports and Celebrities in Chicago, said, 'The synergy between the Postal Service and Lance is perfect from a marketer's perspective.'"

And, from a loyal reader in Kent, Ohio, comes the following message of support and advice for how to deal with the unfolding "Heart of Darkness" drama:

dearest jeremy, please do not stop blogging!  my life partner and i are
addicted to your daily entries.  to take a break from blogging now, or to 
stop altogether, would be a severe breach of your ethical duty to brighten
our days.  regarding your correspondence with mr. mongogotosogulatachatta, 
you are in no danger so long as you keep changing your residence every 2-3
days.  don't answer your cell phone.  never face the same direction for
more than 30 seconds.  and always keep a low center of gravity when you  
turn corners.  wearing a glasses, nose, & moustache disguise when at work  
would not hurt, either.  keep blogging, my dear friend!...

The following arrives while gone sitting in on a Master's exam:

jeremy, it's been hours since you added to your weblog.  when will you be 
able to give us some new entertainment?!!

Please, while we at JFW appreciate greatly our most enthusiastic readers, keep in mind that the way that this weblog is able to remain ad- and subscription-free is that (at least for the moment) the weblog author is gainfully employed with another job that he needs to attend to from time to time.

Update, 7pm: From the same person:

heeee.  maybe you should quit your job and blog full-time.  i bet you could 
charge a subscription fee and make millions.

Um, not likely, but I appreciate the excessive faith some have in me.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeremy Freese [mailto:jfreese@ssc.wisc.edu] 
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:40 AM
To: 'Constance Hawkins'; 'richard mongosutu'
Subject: RE: how to proceed

Constance:

Delightful!  I knew that we could count on you.  How wonderful that you will
be in Madrid next week.  I presume that, once we get the monetary 
conditions straightened around (but NOT before), we can move toward 
setting up a meeting in Madrid and get all this resolved relatively quickly.  
In a message he sent yesterday, Mr. Mongosutu mentioned that there 
would be monetary conditions (that is, a fee) associated with us being 
able to extract his money.  I gathered from what he said that the fee 
will be much less now that you will be able to conduct the transaction in 
person, which means a larger cut for all of us!  I assume as soon as Mr. 
Mongosutu provides us with more information about these monetary 
conditions we would be able to move forward.  I can wire or PayPal you 
whatever money you might need, Constance.  However, do not agree 
to anything until we have the exact conditions for going forward, as 
obviously these are quite financially delicate matters, and you know 
that you are not as worldly in matters of money as your brother.

I gave Mr. Mongosutu my cel phone number yesterday, but he has not 
telephoned me yet.  I presume his situation is precarious and using 
the phone may be dangerous.  I suppose it is just as well that we are 
doing this over e-mail, as I'm not sure if my service charges roaming 
for calls from Africa.

--Jeremy

From Constance, to Mr. Mongosutu:

-----Original Message-----
From: Constance Hawkins [mailto:constance_hawkins@yahoo.com] 
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:12 AM
To: 'richard mongosutu'
Cc: jfreese@ssc.wisc.edu
Subject: how to proceed

Dear Mr. Mongosutu,

My brother informs me that your trust in him extends
to me.  I am very glad of this as I do feel like I am
in the best position to help you.  Please let me know
what you need from me in order to proceed.

In an unusual twist of fate, I will be visiting Madrid
in a week's time.  I am currently doing missionary
work at an orphanage in El Cubo de Don Sancho, which
is to the west of Salamanca.  One of our orphans is
going to be adopted by a wealthy family in Madrid, God
bless them, and I am escorting Pepe to his new family
next week!

Please let me know where I will need to go and any
other details of the arrangements that we need to
make. I will need to arrange time in my tight schedule
while I am in Madrid, and any information that you
give me at this point would be helpful.

Sincerely,

Constance Hawkins

Here's a website (scamorama.com) that includes the stories and exchanges of many others who have also answered the e-mails they have received offering mysterious fortunes just to see what would happen.

Update, 8/10: Wow, you could lose the better part of a day looking at this website (no, I didn't do that myself). It makes me realize how small-time my own little colloquy with Mr. Mongosutu is. Some of these people have taken their correspondences to lengths I never would. I only gave out my cel phone because it has withered because of non-use anyway.

The latest from Mr. Mongosutu:

-----Original Message-----
From: richard mongosutu [mailto:(deleted)@hotmail.com] 
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 3:49 AM
To: jfreese@ssc.wisc.edu
Subject: The way you want it.

Dear Jeremy,

I appreciate the efforts once again but i must confess that i could have 
preffered a situation whereby you can handle this personally. but as it now 
it's like Constance is a sister you trust so much and that means we have to 
proceed in whatever way you dem it fit to be done on your own side. It is 
your assistance that i need and whatever way you think you can handle it 
lets do it the way too.

So right now i am still waiting for you to give me the go ahead to arrange 
things on my side. I will have to contact a lawyer for the Power of 
attorney. so i am waiting for you.

Best regards,
Richard gosutu.

My reply to Mr. Mongosutu:

From: Jeremy Freese [mailto:(deleted)] 
Sent: Thursday, August 07, 2003 11:18 PM
To: 'richard mongosutu'
Cc: Constance Hawkins

Dear Mr. Mongosutu:

I deeply respect the trust that you have placed in me.  I recognize 
your reticience about my desire to involve my dearest sister 
Constance, and understand if you insist that this is the way 
that things must be.  However, there is no one in the world 
that I trust more, and she has been a tireless advocate for 
many causes in the poorer regions of the world not different 
from that which you also have bravely fought against.  She 
is an angel and a prophet: I trust her with my life, and she 
has shown many times (most notably a truly dire occasion in 
Las Vegas) that this trust is deserved.

In your preceding message, you suggest that there 
will be monetary conditions for shipping and clearance.  
I presume that this means that the consignment 
company will need to receive a fee before they release your 
money.  If so, I am presuming that the fee would be much less 
if it was released to someone in Spain, which is all the more 
reason why Constance may be the person to assist you.  Do 
you have any idea what these fees are?  Will these be funds 
that Constance is expected to pay, and then we will be 
reimbursed from the money once that it is received?  Constance 
would be able to deliver the money personally in Spain if that is 
the option that would be best to pursue (although she may be 
a bit skittish about this, I think I can convince her).  Alternatively, 
if something like a wire transfer or credit card transfer is in order, 
we would have to consult about this further.  Again, DO NOT 
PROCEED with transferring anything to Constance's name or my 
own without these details being finalized; to do so prematurely 
would be a deep transgression of honor and an insult to our 
efforts to assist you.

I hope to hear from you quickly, as I recognize for 
your sake and that of your son Eli that we must proceed with haste.  
Unfortunately, I have a particularly heavy set of obligations at work 
and so do not know how quickly I will be able to respond to your 
e-mails.  You also have my cel phone number if that would be more 
convenient; again, I do not know if roaming charges apply to my 
phone for calls from South Africa but if they do I would expect 
reimbursement.

--Jeremy

Mr. Mongosutu replies. I'm having trouble following this on first reading, except that he seems not to want my dear sister Constance to be involved, as apparently only I and the dozens of other people whose e-mail addresses were accidentally pasted into his initial solicitation message can know about him and his precarious situation.

Dear Jeremy,

Thanks for your email. i really appreciate your effort to 
assist anyway you can in making this a realty. the efoorts you are 
making i have noted and i promise to reward you once everything 
about this is clear.

Today i told  you i contacted the Security company in an 
effort to make sure it is youthat will receive this consignment bearing in mind 
the confidence i have reposed in you. In my discussion i was able to put the 
question foward if my new beneficiary cn sign for the release of the Documents 
without being in spain personally. then i was given the following answers and 
conditions.

Firstly, i was told that to change the beneficiary i must issue 
you with a POWER OF ATTORNEY. and a copy faxed to them.

Secondly, a form will be faxed to me immediately i am ready to 
do this.

Thirdly, The consignment can be shipped to my Benefactor if we fulfill the 
Monetary conditions for the shipment and clearance of the consignment from 
the Security company.

With this i dont think we still need any third party. i am not confortable 
with this. I am not ready to sign any agrrement to deal with you with what i 
have een in you but i believe we can do it alone. Nobody must know me and 
where i am except you who i have conmtacted in this . You know my situation 
here. and i am not taking any chances.

Take time and read this mail and let us know what to do if 
you cannot have chance to be there.

I await your response.
Best Regards,
Richard Mongosutu.

The WLS is now in the field full speed. We are expecting 30 or so interviews a day to be swooshing through our doors. Woo-hoo!

E-mail from friend, promptly posted here:

dearest friend,

i am charmed by your weblog.  i check in regularly to see 
what's going on in the life of one of my dearest and truest friends.  i 
concur with jan that it's like getting a little bit of jeremy every day.  but 
i also feel that i would be remiss in my duties as friend if i did not inquire 
about your well-being.  you see, i have a number of concerns.

1.  i fear you are about to be [colorful expletive deleted] by one 
    international swindler
2.  you're giving your telephone number out to strangers. (the one you're
    keeping, even, rather than the one you're soon to be done with.)
3.  i think you're making up relatives.
4.  you seem to spend an awful lot of time out of everyday blogging.

i suspect you would be best served by disconnecting yourself from the
internet altogether.  if that sounds a little extreme... why don't you try
taking a little break from the blog just to see what happens.

Update: The above message draws an almost immediate complaint from Constance:

-----Original Message-----
From: Constance Hawkins [mailto:(deleted)] 
Sent: Thursday, August 07, 2003 1:35 PM
To: jfreese@ssc.wisc.edu
Subject: 

Jeremy,

As you know, the orphans and I regularly check your blog.  
We were shocked to see that someone actually believes that you 
have sewn us together from a cloth of lies.  The children were quite 
upset by this and I have spent the last few minutes singing them 
lullabies while Agnes doses them with warm milk.  I do hope we 
manage to get them to sleep.

Brother, are you ashamed of me?  I know I am only your half sister, 
but surely you have told those you count among your friends about 
my existence!

I am a little distraught, but still willing to help you and Mr. 
Mongosutu any way that I can.

Constance

From Constance:

-----Original Message-----
From: Constance Hawkins [mailto:deleted] 
Sent: Thursday, August 07, 2003 10:57 AM
To: Jeremy Freese
Subject: RE: Thanks once again.

Dearest Brother,

Forgive me for thinking that you have gone quite mad.  I am, of 
course, willing to help you, as I know you would me, but to give a virtual 
stranger your actual telephone number!

I must admit that helping you is not entirely free from more self-
serving motivations.  I know that our missionary work in Spain could use 
a boost in revenues.  Despite my misgivings about the veracity of Mr. 
Mongosutu's claims, I do try to think of the children first.  They are in 
desparate need of new toothbrushes.

Send my love to the family.  I am afraid I have been out of touch 
for awhile.

Connie

From CNN com:

To determine whether someone is spending an unhealthy amount of time with their computers, two University of Florida psychiatrists say doctors need to only remember the acronym MOUSE... UF researchers presented five questions to help practitioners get a sense of their patients' Internet use. The points revolve around the acronym MOUSE:

• More than intended time spent online
• Other responsibilities neglected
• Unsuccessful attempts to cut down
• Significant relationship discord because of use
• Excessive thoughts or anxiety when not online.

Gulp, there's a shoe that fits me snugly.

For a moment my nerve wavered, but then I decided that, despite what curiosity did to the cat, I need to press ahead with this. My reply:

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeremy Freese [mailto:deleted] 
Sent: Thursday, August 07, 2003 10:13 AM
To: 'richard mongosutu'
Cc: Constance Hawkins
Subject: RE: Thanks once again.

I understand your desire to do this as quickly as possible.  I agree.  
However, I must again insist that you not to put anything in my name 
because we have not determined whether that would be the best way to 
proceed.  For one thing, I have not yet looked into how to make travel 
arrangements to Madrid.  More importantly, however, I have friends in 
Spain that may be better able to conduct this transaction that I would, 
such that the entire transaction may end up being resolved more quickly 
than having me do it.  I have cc'd one of my most trusted friends 
(actually, my half-sister) Constance on this message.  Putting the money 
in her name (or perhaps, better still for reasons I don't feel comfortable 
discussing over e-mail, the name of one of her associates) may end up 
making it easier to redeem.  Constance and I would split my cut of the 
money, so it would cost you nothing.  You may wish to cc: Constance on 
any subsequent e-mails, or perhaps you wish only to communicate 
directly with me and I can pass messages on to her.

I do not trust land telephone lines.  Indeed, I am having mine 
disconnected shortly, in fact.  I agree, however, that sometimes certain 
transactions are better discussed over the telephone.  My cel phone 
number is (608) 345-6653 [yes, weblog readers, that's my real cel 
number].  I don't know if I will have to pay special charges to receive a 
telephone call from Africa.  If so, I presume that would count towards 
the expenses that you would be reimbursing me for.

--Jeremy

Time is apparently of the essence for Mr. Mongosutu. And to think that I've only taken a few hours to respond to each of his e-mails. I'm in a hurry myself this morning, though, with other things, and I haven't quite decided how to respond to his next e-mail, which tries to step things up a level. I present it here, however, and perhaps morning weblog readers will have some advice:

Mr Freese,

I thank you for your mail. I speak english with them in Spain. It's like 
somebody in the company hears english. I will only give them your details if 
you permit that. and that means you have decided to assist. The handling 
company is in Madrid Spain. and as you can see i am ready to wait for you 
but for a very short time because i belive you know what i am into now. I 
also will like to have your phone no. so that we can talk on phone. I can 
call you and you know why i cannnot be called . it's for my safety here.

And, like i said if you are ready to go there next week i will contact the 
Company and inform them so that they will be  aware . I only ask them to 
give me sometime to sort myself out. So let me know how ready you are now. 
But i believe this should be betweenme and you.

I await your swift response.
bestb regards,
Richard Gosutu.

A weblog-unnamed relative is planning to go back to college, and today she sent me the following e-mail in discussing her plans:

Regarding psychology, that was my first consideration when I started ICCC [Iowa Central Community College, located not that far from where I grew up, and, incidentally, pronounced "ick"] back in 1987. At that time, you made a comment along the lines of: unless you plan to teach, psychology is a dead science. Also, certain people you spoke with said, "counseling" is not nearly as rewarding as what they had anticipated. Prior to these statements, I was 50/50 for accounting or psych, but leaning toward psych.

As a first thing, admire me while I resist the pesky urge to be annoying and point out that if one was leaning toward psych, then one wasn't really 50/50 on the matter.

Instead, I keep wondering, really, did I say this? I have zero recollection of this conversation. In 1987? I would have been a sophomore or junior in high school then. Considering the backed-up intellectual cesspool that was my high school, how could I even pretended to know anything about this. What did I even mean by dead science, unless you plan to teach? That doesn't even make sense. I may have been saying something about the kinds of jobs that specifically look for a psychology major, but what would the liveliness of the science have to do with it. And why would I have called psychology dead? Was I talking about sociology and she just misheard me? I'm now sitting here mortified that the life plans of family members may have been altered by a much younger me shooting off my mouth about things I didn't really know anything about. Was I guilty of this then? Do I still do this now?

My Onion horoscope for this week: "The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior." Ah, indeed.

One of my trusted Spanish friends is now in touch with me, ready to help Mr. Mongosutu if need be:

-----Original Message-----
From: Constance Hawkins [mailto:constance_hawkins@yahoo.com] 
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2003 2:10 PM
To: jfreese@ssc.wisc.edu
Subject: Greetings from Spain

Professor Freese,

I have learned of your need for a contact in Spain 
from a mutual acquaintance of ours.  Please let me 
know what I can do to help you.

Connie

Curiously, Connie Hawkins was also the name of a basketball legend at my alma mater (the University of Iowa) before going on to play for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Addendum: Excerpt from the virtual conversation leading from the point of getting the person to agree to being my Spanish contact up to the selection of the name:

What would be a good assumed name for you? It should not be spanish, you should be an American who is over there for some reason.
tisha lacey anne therese viola caroline danielle roxy diane sandra molly
[pause]
constance
Do you want to be male or female?
oh! i hadn't even thougth of switching gender identities! i'm usually female when i role play. i think i might want to stay that way. recall how i think boys are stupid.
Constance Swingo, what about that? Either that or the name of someone in one of your twee pop bands (not too famous).
right, because soooo many twee pop bands are just crazy famous. swingo?
Why not Swingo?
is that even a name?
Probably not, nor is it Scrabble legal.
pick a better last name. i like constance.
[pause]
hurry up!
Hawkins
[pause--e-mail from constance_hawkins arrives]
Rock. That's a weblog entry, right there. But now I MUST get down to working. Well, after I get a Pepsi, but you know what I mean.

Another exchange. Mr. Mongosutu (or Mr. Gosutu, as he signs this message)He wants us to move fast, which is guess makes sense given that there is $13.5 million dollars for the both of us:

-----Original Message-----
From: richard mongosutu [deleted] 
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2003 12:54 PM
To: jfreese@ssc.wisc.edu
Subject: Thanks.

Dear Jeremy,

Thanks fore your mail . I really need you to come up fast with something. 
but before then i will not send your informations to spain. Though all i 
wanted to do is to alert them that i have a new benefactor to my consignment 
  and i want to change the old one.  Then when they give me the conditioins 
for the change which i know sure is not going to be easy but i believe 
whatever be it i will overcome that with my determination to see this thing 
out.

So let me know your programme so that we can move fast please.

I await your reply.
Best Regards,
Richard Gosutu.

My reply:

Mr. Mongosutu:

I appreciate your feelings of haste; the situation you are in sounds 
desperate.  Obviously, however, I do not want you to be giving my 
information to someone if I'm not able to help you, as I presume this 
would only cause more trouble for you, and rest assured that is the 
LAST thing I would want to do.  Like I said, I have trusted friends in 
Spain who may be better for this task than I.  Please let me know 
where it is I would need to go in Spain and when it is you would 
need for me to go.  Is it going to be a problem that I don't speak 
much Spanish?  I have some Basque friends who may also be able 
to assist if this would be better for our mutual ends.  Again, I 
appreciate your trust and discretion in this matter.

--Jeremy

After a layoff longer than I care to share on this weblog, I have begun jogging again, in an effort to raise myself from being completely, desperately out of shape to being just really out of shape. 25 minutes, as many days a week as I can raise the internal fortitude to do so. Today, I did my 25 minutes at more of a hasty waddle than a jog, and followed it up with a brisk-only-in-my-mind walk. While I was jogging on the bike trail, this woman passed me going the other direction pushing a stroller. I will confess that I was pleased she wasn't going the same direction as me, because then she and her baby would have blown by me like I was standing still.

I am talking now live on the telphone to Rob "Babycakes" Clark, occasional Special Guest participant in this weblog. He does not believe me that he can use Google in order to find a weblog about Morrissey (his biological father). He says that he does not have Google on his machine. I note that Google is in fact a website, that it can be accessed by typing in www.google.com. He seems very skeptical about my claims regarding Google. He says that he thinks that I am, once again, pulling his leg, and that in order to get Google on his machine he is going to have to engage in some kind of lengthy download that by the time it's done will have filled his hard drive with nasty peripheral-melting viruses. He is also sure that the Google download will somehow get a hold of his credit card information, and before you know it, he will be the victim of all kinds of identity theft and then be stalked and beaten by four blonde guys from Utah in Punch-Drunk Love all over again.

"You've done this before," he asks suspiciously about Google, "you've used this thing on the web to search for other things that are also the web."
"Yes," I reply. "I've done it several times during this phone conversation alone."
"But never before?" Rob asks.
"Yes, I've done it before."
"Name one time you've done it before."
"To find your wife's picture to upload to my weblog this morning."
"But what about to search for other weblogs?"
"Well, I've googled myself, and my weblog is the third thing that comes up."
"What are the first two things?"
"My home page, and then the Ben & Jerry's flavors on my website."

Rob then changes the subject and announces that he wants to sponsor Special Weblog Contest #2, where the contest is to figure out, in six-degrees-of-separation style, if it takes more clicks to get from my weblog to the Fox News Corporation home page or to get to the Al-Jazeera home page.

"If I put in links to them in this entry," I reply, "it would be one degree of separation to each. But, alas, I'm too lazy to do that."

Later, I promised Rob that I would actually put in a link to the Google website from this blog entry (which, I did, above), so that he wouldn't have to remember my instructions and type out the address himself.

A friend has just e-mail to remind me that should my quest for $2.7 million dollars lead me to Spain, he might be able to help:

by the way, i should remind you that i'm half basque and have connections
with their nationalist insurgency group (ETA), such that i can guarantee 
you safe passage through the pyrenees into france should you run into any 
problems during your visit to espana...

I'll have to see where it is in Spain that Mr. Mongosutu needs me to go. However, it is good to know that I can count on safe transit through Basque country. In an adventure like this, one needs all the trustworthy allies that one can muster.

Just arrived in my inbox!

i now compulsively check your blog for updates.
i am sick. 

Thanks, loyal reader!

An unnamed contingent of graduate students are offering to wear their SPAM t-shirts to the social psychology prelim if I promise that I will vote for everyone to pass. Fear not: handsome as the shirts are, and inspiring as it is to see them being worn by a group of people all excited about Social Psychology And Microsociology, I cannot be bribed.


(left to right, John DeLamater, Emily Kremer, Shelley Correll, me)

Another message arrived today from my prospective business partner Mr. Mongosutu.

Attn:Jeremy,

Firstly, i want to thank you for your mail. The Money is Now deposited in 
Spain from Zimbabwe. there is no danger helping me. You are supposed to go 
there anytime from now because the period of two years it was supposed to 
stay with the security company expired lasdy month. and it will start 
incuring demurrage of $150. every month as from this month. so that is why 
we have to clear it immediately.

The money is mine and my son Eli is the Beneficiary while i am the 
depositor. I will make you the Beneficiary so that you can have the Legal 
power to claim the fund on my behalf. while before then we must have settled 
everything relating to the claim. The security company has written me about 
the expiration of the consignment and they are expecting me to give my word 
on that . if we agree i will immediately fax them to let them know my 
intention.

So, let me know what you feel so that i can immediately inform them of my 
intention of changing my brneficiary.
I await your response,
Best regards,
Richard Mongosutu

My reply:

I can certainly appreciate your desire for urgency.  

Do you know where I would need to go in Spain?  

I have a passport, although with my job it is not necessarily easy to fly on 
short notice.  Then again, I suppose, the amount of money involved makes 
this less of a concern.  I speak only a small amount of Spanish, I don't 
know if this is required.  Alternatively, I have (trusted) friends in Spain and 
perhaps they could assist in making the transaction.  

Please do not fax the security company any materials with my name until 
we have had the chance to come to more of an understanding about what 
would be the best course of action.

--Jeremy

The plot thickens. I'll let you know when he replies next.

It's Amy "Puppy Sprinkles" Kroska's birthday today! Amy and her husband Rob met on a blind date. The date wasn't really a "blind" date, however, because, as Rob tells the story, when their fateful date was first arranged, he went and immediately looked up Amy's photo from her department's website:



and that he swooned with delight. Right there, in the computer lab, he jumped up, clicked his heels, and immediately launched into this ethereal baritone rendition of "Some Enchanted Evening."

So, from the weblog, I send a virtual toast to Amy for having a wonderful birthday!

Although I have yet to write a weblog entry about my recent LASIK surgery, readers who know about it have asked whether the surgery is going to cause me to lose either of my coveted statuses: (1) the People magazine award for "The Most Unphotogenic Man Alive" and (2) the distinction that I've been told has been given to me by the graduate students here, of "the faculty member most in need of Extreme Makeover." Below is the first photo of me to come into my possession in which my glasses are gone. Note that it was taken at a friend's Saturday barbecue, where I am, as I am often at barbecues, sitting inside reading a book on mathematics:

Slate article offers the following comparison between Joe Lieberman and Howard Dean: "If you got into a fender bender with Dean, and he got out of his car and started walking toward you, you'd be afraid he was going to hit you. If, on the other hand, you looked up and saw that the guy approaching your car was Lieberman, you'd ease up and roll down your window."

Ooh, I want to vote for the guy who would coldcock me! I want some fan of the guy who would coldcock me to start writing letters to my mom about why she should vote for him.

The article goes on to say about Lieberman: "Half the time, he looks bored and tired. The rest of the time, he tries to be funny but ends up playing Shecky Lieberman, a smut-fighting, strong-on-defense stand-up comic."

Follow up on my earlier exchange with Richard Mongosutu, the former Zimbabwe government official who has sent me the opportunity to make $2.7 million dollars by helping him move funds he had redirected into a foreign bank account. My reply was swiftly answered:

Thank you very much for your mail. and i deem it necessary to give you 
more details on this business which i urgently need your assistance.

I left Zimbabwe last year at the Heat of the Election crisis which the 
American government wanted my boss Pres. Robert Mugabe to loose by all 
means. In the Heat of This i had to Move this Money to a security 
Company in Europe thinking That Mugabe will Loose . and about two weeks 
to the election I missed to South Africa with my two kids with thev 
hope that i will be safe there once Mogabe looses. but the least 
expected Happened and he won the poll.

I know he must be looking for me and i am hiding in my friends place in 
South Africa . we have ran out of cash and my friend is feeding us with 
the meagre salary he is earning while i have millions in Europe.

So that is the reason why i decided to claim it through a foreigner who 
i will change to be the beneficiary , a position my son son presently 
occupies while i will remain the depositor. As soon as we  agre i will 
inform the Security company of my intention while whatever procedure 
that will follow i will inform you.

You are to go there and sign for the release of the Money to you and 
have it deposited in your account. awating when i will come down to 
your place for my share. but i may consider staying there if the iyou 
can assist in investing my share and assisting in getting my papers and 
accomodation too.

Now ,i have access to the internet but no phone because i threw away my 
phone when i got an anonymous call fromsomebody,though i suspect my 
friend i am leaving withn presently who only knows my predicament. but 
i can call you from a publi phone here...

I await your response and if there is any question please do let me 
know.

There was some thought in my head about the possibility of a group of seedy spam-sending mobsters hunting me down if I continued this exchange, but then I decided to forge ahead. After all, where else am I going to get $2.7 million dollars, and I've been assured that there is no risk to me. My response:

Mr. Mongosutu:

Where is it that I would need to go?  
How soon would I need to be there?  
What do I need to do once I'm there?  
Would I be in any danger?

--Jeremy

As always, your humble blogger will keep you updated on further developments on my way to millions. I don't see why people complain about spam when it offers you no-risk high-reward opportunities like this. I feel a little bit bad that I didn't forward Mr. Mongosutu's e-mail on to my mother and have her pursue this instead of me, as she could use the money more and it also sounds like it would give her the chance to travel.

I received three e-mails in a five minute span just now from Richard Mongosutu, a former assistant to Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe who is now hiding out in some internet-wired refugee camp in South Africa. Apparently he's really eager to get in touch with me! After offering introductions and salutations, Mongosutu writes to offer the following opportunity:

DUE TO MY POSITION AND CLOSENESS WITH THEMINISTER, I WAS ABLE TO 
MANIPULATE WITH SOME SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF MONEY AMOUNTING TO $ 13.5 
MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS... 

CURRENTLY THE FUND IS IN A SECURITY FINANCE COMPANY BECAUSE OF THE
PROBLEMS IN MY COUNTRY... WE ARE THEREFORE LOOKING FOR A TRUSTWORTHY
INDIVIDUAL/FIRM TO ADVICE OR ASSIST US IN MAKING THE RIGHTFUL
INVESTMENT. MORESO WE ARE INTERESTED IN BUYING PROPERTIES FOR
RESIDENTIAL AS MY FAMILY WILL BE RESIDING THERE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

COMMISSION / REMUNERATION AS REGARDS YOUR ASSISTANCE; 
MY FAMILY AND I SHALL OFFER YOU 20% OF THE TOTAL SUM AND ALL YOUR
EXPENSES I.E {TELEPHONE BILLS, TRAVEL EXPENSES ETC.} SHALL ALSO BE
REFUNDED BACK TO YOU.

20% of $13.5 million is $2.7 million dollars! You can buy a lot of Michael's Frozen Custard and Easy Mac for $2.7 million dollars. No more selling Amway and Mary Kay for me--once this comes through I'll be able to buy my own pink cadillac instead of going door-to-door trying to sell crates of cosmetics. Especially since the message went on to assure me that this money would come to me with absolutely no risk, I wasn't going to wait for opportunity to knock again. I immediately responded:

Mr. Mongosutu:

I am sorry to hear about your situation.  Please let me know what would be involved in helping you.

--Jeremy

As long as you promise not to try to cut in on my deal, I'll keep you posted as the deal proceeds.

Progress, progress, progress is afoot here in the offices of Jeremy Freese's Weblog:

1. Readers of this weblog may have noticed this week that, like Ms. Magazine, this weblog is now ad-free. Unlike Ms. Magazine, hopefully, we will not need to raise subscriber fees in order to maintain the quality of this weblog.

I will confess some affection for the section of the banner ad for Prozac that would sometimes appear, as I can imagine the people at blog*spot pitching their site to Prozac manufacturers as the perfect one for them to advertise on.

2. We have just had our first post from Special Guest Blogger Rob "Babycakes" Clark. Rob is the puzzle piece behind the couch who makes this patch of cybersky complete. In addition, he is a champagne fountain of screenplay and midseason-replacement-tv-show ideas. From here on, who knows when his wascally prose may scamper across these pages.

3. The weblog now can include pictures! For example, here is a photo from the online-personal-ad of a friend of Shelly B's (search for: "smart, tuneful Boomer seeks fair woman of the soul"):



Meanwhile, on the Jeremy Freese Domestic Front, I have not only filled several boxes of things so far today for my forthcoming move, but I have also taken a box of books to Goodwill. My getting rid of books seems confined so far largely to books that I have never read and carted around for at least one previous move (and usually several moves). Books that I read once but know I probably won't go back to are still making it into the save boxes, for what I have to admit are sentimental reasons--they are like bulky little souvenirs of the happy (or, in some cases, exasperated) day I spent reading them.

Welcome to the first Jeremy Quiz, where I ask Jeremy a series of questions involving what he would do in various situations. Such a quiz allows us to delve deeper into his MIND. It is quite possible (if not highly probable) that none of the response categories provided below accurately reflects what Jeremy would actually do in these situations. No matter. So without further ado, here is the first Jeremy Quiz:

Question #1
You are collaborating with a colleague who suggests that before going any further with the paper, you must "massage the data." How do you respond?
(a) Aye, aye, cap'n! [you say as you salute your colleague]
(b) That's not the only thing I want to massage. [you say as you violently move your eyebrows up and down]
(c) You think I haven't massaged the data already. [you say with a condescending smile]

Question #2
While engaged in a boring discussion of outliers with one of your students, the student asks you how you generally feel about "maverick observations." How do you respond?
(a) We should get those rascals and smoke 'em out. [you say as you form the shape of guns with your hands and pretend to fire them into the air]
(b) I'm a bit of a maverick myself, you know. [you say as you violently move your eyebrows up and down]
(c) You think that using the phrase "maverick observations" will make this conversation more interesting. [you say with a condescending smile]

Question #3
One of your friends asks you to spend the day with him/her reading usage notes in the dictionary. How do you respond?
(a) Yee-haw! We'll take turns. One of us reads aloud, while the other does the Charleston. [you say as you click your heels in the air]
(b) Sweetcheeks, by the end of the day, you'll be noting my many usages [you say as you violently move your eyebrows up and down]
(c) You think I don't know that the pronunciation of banal is not settled among educated American English speakers. BANE-al (rhyming with anal) is preferred by 38% of the Usage Panel; ba-NAL (rhyming with canal), by 46%; ba-NAHL (the last syllable rhyming with doll), by 14% (this last pronunciation is more common in British English); and BAN-al (rhyming with panel), by only 2%. None of the first three pronunciations is incorrect. [you say with a condescending smile]

Okay, now that you have taken the quiz, let's see how you scored. Give yourself 1 point for every "a" response you selected, 2 points for every "b" response, and 3 points for every "c" response.
If you scored between 3-4 Points:
You are an enthusiastic little boy. Every leaf on every tree is a new wonder for you, as you gaze longingly at the building blocks of life.
If you scored between 5-7 Points:
You are a horny dog. Every leaf on every tree is sexually arousing, as you gaze longingly at every stimulant about you.
If you scored between 8-9 Points:
You are a brilliant bastard. Every leaf on every tree is something to be mocked, as you gaze longingly at yourself.

I have packed my first boxes this morning for my forthcoming move. I am going to THROW STUFF OUT. I am going to give away books. The Old Me, who wanted to be surrounded by books has given way to a New Me who wants to simplify, simplify, simplify. I am transforming myself from someone who used to see the glass as 137/274ths empty to someone who sees it as 1/2 empty.

Corrie is on the telephone with me telling me about a new invention that has changed her life--the countertop dishwasher. It sounds, from her description, like one of those fabled kitchen technologies that is sufficiently advanced and handy as to be indistinguishable from Mary-Poppins-magic! Corrie proclaims that it is the best $170 she has ever spent in her life.

So, this raises the question--how much could the countertop dishwasher have cost, and it still would have been the best $x Corrie had spent in her life. Corrie begins to answer this question by noting that the single best purchase she has ever made in her life was her air conditioner, for which she paid $350 and which has made her happier than anything else on Earth (except for Scrabble, which is a gift from God and therefore free). She goes on to speculate that the countertop dishwasher would still have been the best $200-$225 she ever spent had it cost that much, but if it had been $250 then she would have to choose using that amount of money to buy 5/7th of the dishwasher.

Corrie also asks me why it is that I have a weblog and why I am typing into it while I talk on the telephone. I had no answer for this, except assurances that I'm not like some of those other, hideously self-indulgent bloggers out there. I forgot to tell her my whole spiel about How Weblogs are The Future.

Regarding The Poisonwood Bible: Not to sound ungrateful, but should you decide to mail me another audiobook, please make sure that the box is not missing the last of the ten cassettes before sending it.

Update 10am: Just arrived at the office after stopping by Borders to buy the paperback of TPB so I can read the last 60 pages.

Update noon: Finished TPB with some heavy skimming (something you can't do with an audiobook). Shelly B asks "So, how'd you like it." Answer: First 2/3, great; last 1/3, okay. Which is a common reaction for me; I'm much more likely to like how a novel begins than how it ends, although there is a selection problem here become I suppose if I didn't like how a book begins I would never get to the ending.