Welcome to the first Jeremy Quiz, where I ask Jeremy a series of questions involving what he would do in various situations. Such a quiz allows us to delve deeper into his MIND. It is quite possible (if not highly probable) that none of the response categories provided below accurately reflects what Jeremy would actually do in these situations. No matter. So without further ado, here is the first Jeremy Quiz:
You are collaborating with a colleague who suggests that before going any further with the paper, you must "massage the data." How do you respond?
(a) Aye, aye, cap'n! [you say as you salute your colleague]
(b) That's not the only thing I want to massage. [you say as you violently move your eyebrows up and down]
(c) You think I haven't massaged the data already. [you say with a condescending smile]
While engaged in a boring discussion of outliers with one of your students, the student asks you how you generally feel about "maverick observations." How do you respond?
(a) We should get those rascals and smoke 'em out. [you say as you form the shape of guns with your hands and pretend to fire them into the air]
(b) I'm a bit of a maverick myself, you know. [you say as you violently move your eyebrows up and down]
(c) You think that using the phrase "maverick observations" will make this conversation more interesting. [you say with a condescending smile]
One of your friends asks you to spend the day with him/her reading usage notes in the dictionary. How do you respond?
(a) Yee-haw! We'll take turns. One of us reads aloud, while the other does the Charleston. [you say as you click your heels in the air]
(b) Sweetcheeks, by the end of the day, you'll be noting my many usages [you say as you violently move your eyebrows up and down]
(c) You think I don't know that the pronunciation of banal is not settled among educated American English speakers. BANE-al (rhyming with anal) is preferred by 38% of the Usage Panel; ba-NAL (rhyming with canal), by 46%; ba-NAHL (the last syllable rhyming with doll), by 14% (this last pronunciation is more common in British English); and BAN-al (rhyming with panel), by only 2%. None of the first three pronunciations is incorrect. [you say with a condescending smile]
Okay, now that you have taken the quiz, let's see how you scored. Give yourself 1 point for every "a" response you selected, 2 points for every "b" response, and 3 points for every "c" response.
If you scored between 3-4 Points:
You are an enthusiastic little boy. Every leaf on every tree is a new wonder for you, as you gaze longingly at the building blocks of life.
If you scored between 5-7 Points:
You are a horny dog. Every leaf on every tree is sexually arousing, as you gaze longingly at every stimulant about you.
If you scored between 8-9 Points:
You are a brilliant bastard. Every leaf on every tree is something to be mocked, as you gaze longingly at yourself.