so grateful i don't know where to begin

Studies indicate that roughly one in every seven people who writes a dissertation writes a set of mock acknowledgments that are not the acknowledgments that actually appear but instead are more honest and to the point. A friend who shall remain anonymous forwarded me a set of mock acknowledgments that they received from a friend and wanted me to post it to my weblog. This, even though the original e-mail forwarded to me had "DO NOT FORWARD" as its subject line. Apparently, since the dissertator in question is not in sociology and not anyone I know (really, truly)--and since nobody reads weblogs anyway--forwarding it to me was not a problem nor is my posting it for all the world to see here. Even so, in the interests of discretion and in keeping this a family weblog, I have on my own initiative removed anything that could conceivably tip-off the writer or would give the post something other than a G rating. Here it is, then, enjoy:

People's creativity and inner self are revealed through their work. But a creative effort is not only an extension of someone's soul, it results from an individual's relationships to others. My dissertation reflects not only my inner-spirit and creative vision but also the last [number deleted] years of my life and my relationships to those who have been close to me. I want to thank the countless people who not only helped my work evolve, but also helped me grow into the neurotic, low-esteem scholar with a spastic colon that I am today.

To my parents, my smothering mother and father. If they had their way they would have kept in [place name deleted] close to them where I perhaps could have met a nice [prospective spouse characteristic deleted]. Right now, I could have been happy instead of [large number deleted] dollars in debt and jobless.

To all of the hot [men/women] in [place name deleted] that inspired to come up with a dissertation topic where I could interview them. And a special thanks to all of the interviewees I [activity deleted] or attempted to [activity deleted]. Who knew a dissertation would be such a great way to get [activity deleted].

I also could not have done this without getting constantly dumped by [men/women]. If any one of them had actually continued dating me perhaps I would not have had the time to finish. To [name A deleted], the smelly [gender identifying body-part attribute deleted], who cheated on me with [name B deleted]. From [her/him], I learned that not all terrorists are evil; rather, some are just really [expletive deleted] stupid. To [name C deleted], who, if I was hit by a bus today, unfortunately would probably be the love of my life. Thanks for breaking up with me from a pay phone, getting back "together" with me, and conveniently forgetting to tell me that you had [activity deleted] a [nationality and gender of person deleted]. If it had not been for you, I never would have slumped into to such a [mental-illness-state deleted] and wrote my first article. And a special thanks for lovingly and constantly reminding me that I am only [quantitative bodily attribute deleted] away from perfection. And then, [name D deleted]. Beautiful, vain, and [negative gender-identifying body attribute deleted] [name D]. If you had not made me feel as if you were falling in love with me and then suddenly stopped calling me I maybe never would have slumped into a [mental-illness-state deleted] and wrote my second article. A special thanks to [name E deleted], the hot [school name deleted] professor, who probably does not know my name. If it had not been for my stalking you this past summer at the [place deleted], I probably would not have finished my [expletive deleted] dissertation.

To all of the various people that kept me company in the [discipline deleted] lab. The laughter, the gossip, and the constant throat clearing which almost drove me crazy. Thanks to all of you have listened to me complain and dodged things when I threw them at the wall.

[Several sentences of identifiable, profane and not so amusing material deleted.]

My greatest debt of gratitude goes to the counter staffs at [coffeeshop/bar A deleted], [coffeeshop/bar B deleted], [coffeeshop/bar C deleted], [coffeeshop/bar D deleted], and the dearly departed [coffeeshop/bar E deleted] on [street deleted] where I would spend countless hours creating my masterpiece. You perhaps more than any other contributed to my intellectual growth.

To someone who has never been given enough credit even though they have inspired more creative efforts than anyone else - the first person to have figured out that tequila, triple sec and lime juice create liquid nirvana.

And to my friends. To [name F deleted], who always makes sure I am okay as long as it does not conflict with [her/his] life or relationship. To [two names deleted], two people so different but who both constantly remind me how most people only think about issues at the surface level. They inspire me daily to always surpass their Fox-news quality thought on current issues.

Most of all to my dissertation committee - [name G deleted], [name H deleted], and [name I deleted]. To those who didn't believe in me when everyone else did. They kept their expectations of me so low that even when I constantly exceeded them they never acknowledged my accomplishments. And they mentored me by never reading my emails or giving me comments that were legible. A special thanks to [name G] who so lovingly sent off my letters of recommendation [number deleted] weeks late -- [her/his] confidence in me is almost humbling. And to [name H], I am not sure what inspired me more here: [her/his] sub-par atheoretical scholarship or the way [he/she] handled herself through [her/his] [painful life event deleted]. I may never again be witness to such awe inspiring [age-identifying reference deleted] [gendered way of being surly deleted]. And to [name I] who always somehow managed to misread my emails thus forcing me to constantly apologize for things I did not do. If I think of my dissertation as a great painting, I consider my committee to have helped me pick out the blandest color that I probably painted over a thousand times. Yet, I am sure they will take complete credit for my engaging study of why [deleted] are too [deleted] to get [deleted].

My greatest thanks goes to [name J deleted]. My closest friend who I am afraid may know almost everything about me and has seen me at my worst and yet still calls me everyday. Intellectually, [name J] constantly reminds me that the best [discipline deleted] is done by those who simply study their own [deleted]. But [her/his] greatest contribution has been to my emotional development particularly [her/his] unwavering interest in my [body part deleted]. Its [attribute of body part deleted], its [another attribute], and whether or not it extends all the way to my [other body part deleted]. By constantly telling anyone and everyone [he/she] meets about my condition, I not only feel loved but I also feel the steady and constant chipping away of my self-esteem. If it were not for [her/his] intense interest, I perhaps would be someone very different today - well-adjusted, with solid self-esteem and without [pain-type deleted] in my [body part deleted]. Instead, I am a neurotic, emotional train wreck with questionable scholarly ethics.

Update, 6:30pm: A reader from Louisville, KY writes in to say: "i had a friend who wrote a seemingly 'normal' acknowledgement, except if you read down the first word in each line, it spelled, "[advisor's name deleted] is a [expletive deleted] rat"."