Saturday, August 21, 2004

in which the month when everything began to go wrong is revealed, and the opportunity to fix it all is provided

From the latest letter I have received from my psychic benefactor, Maria Duval:

Further proof of Ms. Duval's psychic influence is that, when I opened this letter, what was playing on iTunes here in the RV was U2's "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of" (really! I'm not making this up!). Anyway, while one might ask what you have done for me lately, what kind of risks was Ms. Duval taking on my behalf:

Which would have been just what I needed, to have some crazy psychic trapped somewhere deep in my past life, mucking things up as she uses the various vast mindforces at her disposal to try to free herself. Anyway, slogging through the last few centuries of my lives appears to have paid off, as Ms. Duval discovered something vital during her journey through my psychic past:

But, then, she gets more precise than this, revealing that the key plot twist took place only twelve years previously:

What happened in November 1992 that could have had such a dramatic and negative effect on my life? The two main things I remember from November 1992 are that: (1) I started applying to graduate programs in sociology and (2) Bill Clinton, the hottie-from-Hope-himself was elected president. Which of these things are responsible for my lost and tormented state? For thirty dollars, not only can I find out, but I can also have her perform a PEP&MA, which from my understanding is kind of like a karmic enema. And I get a special pouch. And it's guaranteed:

And, somehow, in the process, I also get to become wealthy enough to solve all my problems. I know people always say money can't buy happiness, but I would certainly welcome the oppotunity to try. I-Ching? Ca-ching! What's more, not only will Maria make me rich, she's even powerful and generous enough to allow me to specify how it is I would like to become rich:


Anonymous said...

i would go for bingo. you are less likely to have your
fingers broken or your picture splashed on the side of dirty city buses that way.

--elbert almazan

Anonymous said...

"Stuck in a Moment..." is a great song. It seriously helped me through a big depression. Maybe if I had my own psychic benefactor, I wouldn't need U2 songs and ice cream.

jeremy said...

You can have your own psychic benefactor, for only $30. If that's too much, let me know and I can hook you up with my Magic 8 balls or something. Then again, it's hard to imagine anything beating ice cream.