I just received a piece of spam (the e-mail kind) so beautiful I thought that I must immediately dispatch it to my blog, and therefore the world. Long after spam has finally been successfully strangled by one regulatory/technological means or another, there will be ethnoemailologists looking to assemble exhibits of some of its finer moments, and they will lament in their accompanying notes how so much has been lost by our tendency to treat spam (again, the e-mail kind) as something to be disposed of quickly rather than preserved. I wish I had my microphone on my computer hooked up so I could do it as an example of "found-art spoken word." Or that my voicemail allowed longer outgoing messages so I could record it there. Here, then, with no further delays:
I have been receiving emails saying that I'm contributing to the "moral decay of society" by selling the Banned CD. That may be, but I feel Strongly that you have a right to benefit from this hard-to-find information. So I am giving you ONE LAST CHANCE to order the Banned CD! With this powerful CD, you will be able to investigate your friends, enemies and lovers in just minutes using the Internet. You can track down old flames from college, or you can dig up some dirt on your boss to make sure you get that next promotion! Or maybe you want a fake diploma to hang on your bedroom wall. You'll find addresses for companies that make these diplomas on the Banned CD. Need to disappear fast and never look back? No problem! Using the Banned CD, you will learn how to build a completely new identity. Obviously, the Powers That Be don't want you to have the Banned CD. They have threatened me with lawsuits, fines, and even imprisonment unless I stop selling it immediately. But I feel that YOU have a Constitutional right to access this type of information, and I can't be intimidated. Uncle Sam and your creditors are horrified that I am still selling this product! There must be a price on my head! Why are they so upset? Because this CD gives you freedom. And you can't buy freedom at your local Walmart. You will have the freedom to avoid creditors, judgments, lawsuits, IRS tax collectors, criminal indictments, your greedy ex-wife or ex-husband, and MUCH more!