Sunday, February 06, 2005

(jfw original recipe) a pocalypsmackin' good stew!

I have been given the task of providing a recipe in honor of Ashley "Number Six" Finley's victory in the 2004 NFL pool. Admittedly, while I may have considerable experience inventing recipes, I don't have much experience devising recipes in honor of particular persons. What sort of dish is appropriate for someone whose nickname is "Number Six"? Six, six, six, I kept thinking, six, six, six. Then it hit me like a Revelation: rather than a recipe that might also have a tie to this year's Super Bowl, why don't I throw the long ball and come up with a recipe appropriate for the Great Super Bowl of Eternity--the confrontation between good and evil, God vs. Satan, for the fate of the souls of all humankind. (Or whatever, my recollection of end-days details from Sunday School are now pretty fuzzy, and I haven't taken the Left Behind refresher course.) Anyway, without further delay, I offer you the opportunity to get your kicks with Ashley Finley's Stew 666:


a bat, caged
a ouija board
a small yellow onion, sliced into quarters
a tomato
little zesty bits of lemon and orange
salt, pepper
some lemon juice
2 small yellow bell peppers, sliced thin
2 zucchini, sliced
3 garlic cloves
6 (or more) teaspoons of butter, sculpted into the shape of a goat's head
6 (or more) teaspoons of olive oil
6 mushrooms, sliced to look like little cloven hoofs
6 ounces yellow wax beans, cut into pieces 3 inches long
6 teaspoons of herbs like marjoram, basil, myrrh, thyme


1. Put a bunch of water in a pot and get it boiling. Add the beans and salt. Cook until cooked. Scoop beans out of the boiling water and arrange them into a pentagram on the ouija board.

2. Put the tomato in the same water for 10 seconds or so. Then peel it and cut it into six pieces. Put one piece on each corner of the pentagram and one in the middle.

3. Chop up the garlic with the herbs and the lemon and orange bits. Sprinkle over the pentagram while chanting, in chronological order, the names of everyone who has ever broken up with or jilted you.

4. Put the olive oil in a big wide pan. Warm it up (not too warm). Put bat cage on counter next to stove. Do NOT taunt the bat.

5. Add the onion and the garlic-herb-lemon-orange stuff. Add the peppers, zucchini, mushrooms. Add about 1/4 cup of water. Say "Soon you will be free, Dark Lord" to the bat. Add a little salt. Cook about five minutes, or until the vegetables start getting soft.

6. Add the green beans and the tomato, in reverse order from the order that you placed them on the ouija board. Cackle and rub hands with sinister glee. Cook for awhile.

7. Turn up heat. Stir in butter. Shake the pan back and forth to make sure everything gets mixed together. You'll know you've done things correctly if you begin to hear thunder and hail outside.

8. Release the bat. Add lemon juice and pepper to taste.

9. Serve, eat, wait for apocalypse.

Sound good? I know arm-a-geddon hungry just thinking about it! Enjoy!


dorotha said...

did anyone else notice the cross shaped stage on which paul mcartney performed? and did you also notice how it appeared to burst into flames? this has to have been the most satanic half-time show ever.

Anonymous said...

Dorotha makes a good point. Just think, though -- Satan worship does not warrant any FCC sanctions, but Janet Jackson's breast warrants a fine of half a million dollars.

Translation: according to Michael Powell, Republican administrator of the FCC, devil worship is ok, but female anatomy is evil.

nina said...

I'm sure it was an oversight: you forgot to mention this, right? It should be, given as it's half time Super Bowl and all, EXTRA VIRGIN olive oil.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I think that cross-like stage was a subtle KKK thing but with so many powerful Black men on the field they couldn't be to overt about it. I'm often wrong on my assessments but not this time, or am I? Please respond as I live in an isolated region of the nation and we are pretty much snowed in.

Anonymous said...

cross-burning?? KKK?? it was a medley of BEATLES songs. maybe i missed the subliminal message/content, but this argument seems like a stretch...

Anonymous said...

T'was not a witness to the fete
by phone I sat glued to the seat
hoping a call from Jeremy to meet
and garnish reward for my recipe so sweet
but woe! against the wall my head did beat
alas! with no inclination to cheat
I have gone'th down in utter defeat
that boorish entree is no delectable treat
t'would be better to sautee a lump of peat
or fry and eat the toe jam from my feet -

Ann Althouse said...

Great good-bad puns!

Anonymous said...

Viola! someone do'st appreciate my work
ill-will in Ann's heart do'th not lurk
know'eth she LDM is no culinary jerk
no stale donut am I and 'nary a quirk!
for her a tip, indeed a sweetened perk-

(for those times when you are not able to
bake for friends and loved ones make use
of the Collins Street Bakery - out of Texas
with their fast delivery and whose goodies
are every bit as excellant as mine - no small
feat by the way)

dorotha said...

LDM - you are recommending a bakery based in texas. are you a texan? according to their site, collin street bakery is in dallas. um, they also seem to specialize in absolutely grotesque looking fruitcake.

Anonymous said...

AH-HA! be it jealousy I detect'eth here?
that I should regard'eth Ms. Ann as dear?
my heart with burning pain thou did'st sear
thinking I would'st only at thee to leer
and lust'eth after thy every peer
n'er for me thy nightie pink and sheer
would'st thou wear and hold'eth me near
thou has't rejected my love like rancid beer
I seek'eth 12 glazed, 'tis the only cure -

dorotha said...

wow, LDM, if you knew me, you would realize how entirely ridiculous your sheer pink nightie comment is. as if!

Ann Althouse said...

Did Jeremy just reveal he's Lonely Donut Man? I want my $250.

Anonymous said...

I set forth a pretty sound circumstantial case earlier. I think in a Court of Law we all pretty much know what the verdict would be. The case at least from a Civil perspective is beyond a reasonable doubt. Note the sudden appearance and frequent entries by the ghost writer Dorotha.

jeremy said...

Huh, how did I reveal this? Certainly not by making rhymes like:

my heart with burning pain thou did'st sear
thinking I would'st only at thee to leer
If anything, I would hope this would serve as further proof that I am not LDM. I do have a sense of meter. And I do have personal poetic sensibilities that extend beyond the couplet.

In any event, I'm confused.

Ann Althouse said...

LDM wrote "someone do'st appreciate my work" as a response to my appreciation of Jeremy's puns. What's with the "my"? Or is LDM just pretending to be Jeremy?

dorotha said...

ann, i think that LDM thought you were complimenting him on his puns, not jeremy on jeremy's.

anyway, if i were you, i'd be more worried that LDM seems to have gotten over me (and nina!) and is going to move on to you.

Anonymous said...

Verily I do'th now rue the day
that I came'th here to play
-t'was fate that I should'st stay - were I to say say, " O Vey!"
would'st thou Ann still make'th him pay?
poor poor Mr. J.
his hair may turn'eth gray
for I have gone'th astray
Fair Ann cast thy suspicions away
Woe! that I should'st cause such dismay
like stale pastry upon a greasey tray!
Were I to state my name is Kay
would'st thou keep'eth thy suspicions at bay?

Ann Althouse said...

LDM had puns? I wouldn't have known. I always skip the poetry. (Unless I see my name it in.)

Anonymous said...

Verily Ms. Ann stir'eth the mix
seeking an identity to affix
cleverly she avoid'eth my many tricks
but see'th she how my lonely heart ticks?