Sunday, July 11, 2004

like butter

"I've decided I'm going to start eating only raw butter."
"What makes something 'raw' butter?"
"It's made with raw milk."
"What makes something 'raw' milk? Is it not pasteurized?"
"It's not pasteurized."
"Pasteurization is bad?"
"Pasteurization is bad."
"Has someone told the French? Practically every town in France has a Rue Pasteur."
"Rue is right. Pasteur is way overrated. He hurt more people than he helped."
"I didn't even know you could legally buy unpasteurized milk."
"You can't legally buy it. It has to be your own milk."
"You're going to start making butter from your own milk? I didn't even know you were lactating."
"No, I mean, you have to own part of a cow."
"You own part of a cow?"
"No, I'm getting it from this guy who owns part of a cow."
"Of course. Why buy part of a cow if you can get part of the milk for free?"
"You're not funny."
"I can't believe you went out and found some guy to be your butter daddy."
"He's not my butter daddy. I have to pay him like ten dollars a pound for it."
"So he's your butter dealer? Great. How did you find some guy who'd sell you contraband butter?"
"There's like a whole underground raw milk network. You'd be surprised."
"Is it supposed to be healthy?"
"It's supposed to be really healthy. The guy said he eats a half pound a butter every day."
"Does he just eat the whole half pound, or does he melt some of it and drink it?"
"You know, he said he does both. Seriously."
"I remember back on the farm, nothing would be better after a hard day's work than a tall, cold glass of butter."
"He said he eats a pound of raw meat every day too."
"From the same cow? Does he make raw beef and butter smoothies?"
"I don't think eating raw meat is healthy. I've heard this guy is really, really skinny."
"It's hard to put on weight when your intestines have been replaced by a giant tapeworm."
"But I bet that tapeworm is really, really sick of butter."

No comments: