Update: This is the post I deleted yesterday, back by popular demand and the approval of Ms. Maroontext herself (see comments to preceding post-about-a-deleted-post). Original title: "secrets of effective money management revealed"
Note: Though I am sure that Ms. Maroontext would disagree with details of these interactions, this is basically how Mr. Purpleprose remembers it.
Excerpt from phone conversation #1:
"Let's face it: you just don't manage your money very well."
"I know, I know."
"Do you know how much I would love putting you on a budget?"
"Only by analogy to how much I'd love fitting you with a shock collar."
"You need to [insert list of 8-10 things that, yes, I would be better off if I did with my money]."
"Yes, I recognize that my handling of these affairs leaves much to be desired."
"I'm going to have a million dollars by the time I retire."
"You'll only have that million dollars if the revolution doesn't happen--the revolution that you purport to endorse."
"Oh God no! I've never said that. I don't want a revolution. If there was a revolution, I might have to change my own oil."
Excerpt from phone conversation #2, two weeks later:
"I'm having trouble deciding whether I want to get my two side tables from [noncheap furniture place #1] or from [noncheap furniture place #2]. Part of the issue is whether the tables from [noncheap furniture place #2] will match the coffee table I'm getting from [noncheap furniture place #1]."
"Where do you get all this money to spend on these things?"
"Well, [my parents] might get me one of the tables for Christmas and the other for my birthday."
"Still, you really like [expensive things], and it seems like you've got plans to spend a lot of money on it. I don't get how this fits in with that complicated money management plan you were telling me about so you could have a million dollars when you retire."
"That was your money management plan. I'm going to inherit a million dollars from [my parents]. It's already being set up."